


The Muse of Degas

by schatzchen



Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Drug Use, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-07 20:26:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 38,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17372714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schatzchen/pseuds/schatzchen
Summary: Stefan is a boy in his last year of college, just trying to find himself. Colin tries his best to lead Stefan to who he is, but it ends up in ways neither of them could have predicted.In which Stefan has a hereditary mental illness and a lot of questions about who he is, and Colin helps him find out.





	1. one

Stefan Butler was an ordinary 18 year old in an extraordinary place. He had nowhere else to be and nothing else to do this night, and the curiosity had gotten the best of him. Stepping off at Earl’s Court underground station, he used signs to get to the goal - The Masquerade. It was not what it sounded like and Stefan was afraid to even admit what it really was in his head.

He had put on a blue, short sleeved button up and black pants, both too big for him, but to Stefan himself, it gave the illusion of maturity. In all senses, he was not mature. He only really had one good friend from school and he had never been to a party. He had never kissed anybody. He had certainly never been to a gay nightclub before. 

The neon signs intimidated him a bit.

Tonight was the night. He had not planned to come here, but ever since he had found the flyer about the club, he had been overrun with questions and curiosity. Tomorrow would be the start of his last year in high school, and he did not want anything weighing down his mind, he figured, so coming here was the only logical solution. Repeating these thoughts in his mind, Stefan realised how ridiculous it sounded.

But suddenly he had gone inside the club. Some synth-pop was blasting from the speakers and Stefan felt very out of place. Yet, he went to the bar and sat down, as if expecting that something would just happen without any effort of his own. He looked around the room and noticed a few men looking at him. Stefan immediately looked away and down at his hands.

“Sorry mate, have you got an ID?” the bartender asked him. 

“Yeah, yeah I just don’t want any drinks, or…”

The bartender nodded after only half the sentence, as if he understood exactly what position Stefan was in. What was he doing here? It was absolutely ridiculous. There was no goal to it. It was as if he had sleepwalked his way to the barstool, some innate urge or instinct telling him what he must do. Or perhaps that is what he was telling himself, because deep down he knew that he wanted something out of this. Stefan looked away from the bar once again and looked to one side of the room and saw a couple of guys his own age, looking as if they were only enjoying each others’ company, not there to find something new. It was as if one of them knew that Stefan was looking, a man with bleached-blonde hair and glasses, who furrowed his eyebrows like he was wondering what Stefan was doing there all alone. Stefan looked away and let his eyes once again wander the crowd, until he locked eyes with a handsome man sitting in a dark corner not far from Stefan. The man smiled sweetly and to this, Stefan blushed, but he did not look away and instead he smiled back. The man raised his eyebrows slightly and gestured for Stefan to come and sit with him. As if in a drunken haze, Stefan walked over to the man who pulled out the chair next to him.

“What’s your name, love?” he said, voice deep and husky. A shiver went through Stefan’s spine, and it took him a moment before he could reply without stuttering.

“Stefan.”

“Gary,” the man said and reached out to shake Stefan’s hand. They shook hands but as Stefan was about to pull away from the handshake, Gary held his hand closer. “You look nervous, Stefan. Is it your first time here?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s real nice,” he said and put Stefan’s hand on his thigh. Stefan was too nervous to do anything about it, and the warmth from Gary’s jeans sent a wave throughout Stefan’s body. “And you went straight to me, huh?”

Stefan let out a nervous laugh and took note of how Gary kept his hand over Stefan’s, not letting him go. Like prey, he surrendered and relaxed his hand. “I guess.”

Gary leaned in to whisper in Stefan’s ear and all he could think about was the stubble against his cheek. “Good choice. I can show you the ropes around here, so to speak.” Gary moved Stefan’s hand closer to his crotch. Stefan swallowed and realised that his heart had hitched in his throat and it felt as though he could no longer move. Paralyzed, but from what he did not know. Then he looked at Gary’s face and saw a hungry look in his eyes.

“Uh, sorry, I-” Stefan begun, and Gary seemed to catch on. 

“Some other time, love,” he said and let go of Stefan’s hand. “Don’t be so shy next time. Timid is boring.”

Stefan retrieved his hand and held it close to himself. “Alright, uh, bye.”

He hurried to get out of the nightclub after that, knowing that he already had gotten more than he had bargained for. He left the club and stood outside for a moment, simply composing himself and trying to stop his heart from beating so hard. The thrill was enough for today. The knowledge that it truly was that easy.

“You alright mate?” he heard somebody say behind him. Stefan turned around and saw the very same man who had been looking at him when Stefan had been sitting at the bar by himself. Stefan did not know how to reply, so he stood there silent. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“No I’m just, I have to go,” Stefan said and started walking back towards the underground station. He looked back to see the man still looking at him, furrowed eyebrows, looking very concerned, but then shrugging as if he just now realised that he had no obligation to care for him.

When Stefan came back home from what he had told his father was a walk, all the lights were off. He took off his shoes, careful to not make a sound, and made his way up to his bedroom. When he passed his father’s office, the door swung opened to reveal his father exiting.

“Long walk today?” Peter Butler said.

“Yeah,” Stefan replied, having no interest in declaring what he had actually been doing.

“It’s very cold out,” Peter said and nodded towards Stefan’s thin leather jacket.

“Yeah, it is,” Stefan said. “Goodnight dad.”

“Goodnight Stefan.”

Stefan left no room for more conversation and entered his bedroom, but saw his father looking at him from where they had been standing, a concerned expression on his face. Stefan had no patience for the feigned empathy in his father when he knew that if he knew the truth, there would be none.


	2. two

Today. The beginning of the end. The end of high school, that is, and Stefan could not be more desperate for it all to end. These corridors were so painfully etched into Stefan’s brain that it was impossible to get lost.

“Oi mate!” Stefan turned around and saw Sam adorning a wide smile. He smiled back and waited until they were walking next to each other. “I haven’t heard anything from you. Thought you had gone awol.”

“It’s been… good,” Stefan said and thought over what he had done in the last week. Nothing was the answer, except for one shameful night.

Stefan and Sam had always been the dorky sort of kids, gangly, acne-prone, wearing cheap clothes and never really fitting in anywhere. After last summer, it seemed as if Sam had matured. His body did not seem so awkward anymore, his hair was longer and cleaner, and his skin seemed to have cleared up. It almost intimidated Stefan.

The day passed quietly and Stefan, as he had done for so many years, went into a sort of trance while going through the school hours, just for time to pass. Sam’s friend Kitty ate with them at lunch, and for some reason, the blue hair colour transcended into Stefan’s sandwich and he no longer felt like eating it.

“You’re not gonna stop looking like a skeleton from not eating, mate,” Sam said and poked Stefan in his side.

“I know,” Stefan said and stood up. 

“You going out for a fag?” Kitty asked, already having finished her lunch. 

“Uh, no I-”

“Yeah, let’s go,” Samuel interrupted and both of them stood up, and somehow Stefan was dragged along outside as they smoked a cigarette each.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” he said to Samuel. 

“Really? Sam chain smokes like a chimney,” Kitty giggled.

“Well I haven’t really noticed, so…”

“How is Colin by the way?” Sam said, changing the topic.

“Colin’s great, yeah,” she said, instantly smiling from ear to ear. “He’s working a lot though. It feels like I barely see him anymore.”

“What does he do?” Samuel asked.

“Well he just started working for this video game company, Tuckersoft, so-”

“Tuckersoft?” Stefan exclaimed.

“Yeah, do you know it or something?”

“Yes, I mean, they only hire the best programmers,” Stefan said.

“I guess that tells you who Colin is then!” she smiled widely, taking Stefan’s comment as a personal compliment. “Oh, that’s the bell.”

At the end of the day, Stefan left the building alone without saying goodbye to Sam and Kitty. They were not really friends anyway, but people who hung out together during breaks in school. He paused on the stairway leading out of school and grabbed his walkman to put on Kajagoogoo when something caught his eye. A bleached-blond man standing on the other side of the stairs, leaning against the railing, seemingly waiting for somebody. His eyes travelled over the yard but it seemed as if they were destined for Stefan. He shot a clear look at Stefan and they made eye contact. Stefan’s eyes darted, but when he heard Kitty’s voice, he looked back to see Kitty embracing that same man that had asked Stefan if he was okay last night outside of The Masquerade.

 

Stefan was extraordinarily tired when he came home. He threw himself on his bed and buried his face in his pillow for a while, just breathing heavily and calming himself down. School was always intense for Stefan, with so many new impressions coming at him constantly, and especially at that point of year. It would calm down as april set in, Stefan told himself, already feeling like he did not have the energy for the rest of the week.

He turned around to lie on his back and picked up the book he was currently reading. A Clockwork Orange. The guard was demonstrating the change to Alex’s character by making him do strange things, like resisting the temptations of naked women and making him lick the underside of his boot.

Stefan shifted uncomfortably in bed whilst reading the description of this utter submission. Just the thought of getting down on your knees, figuratively exposing your neck to any predator in such a way, was something Stefan did not really know how to react to. He kept reading and as he got deeper into the descriptions, he felt blood rushing to not only to his face, but to his crotch.

After putting down the book, he let himself sink deeper into the bed and closed his eyes. Images of Gary from last night resurfaced. Those rugged features in the darkness, the stubble against his cheek and the deep voice in his ear, saying -

“Get down on your knees. Now. Open that pretty mouth... Good boy.”

A hand found its way into Stefan’s pants. His mind drifted around, trying desperately to stay in that one thought, but somehow his mind kept coming back to something else. A man with a loosely fitting shirt and a rugged elegance so hard to find.

“Now bend over my lap. I’m going to teach you a thing or two, Stefan.”

Stefan gasped as he came, and immediately, a blanket of shame covered him from tip to toe. Even alone, he could not help but blush because of his own actions.

“Fucking hell,” he cursed to himself when he realised the mess he made. Stefan stood up and got undressed before taking a long shower to wash the shame off. The hot water washed over his body and cleansed all his sins, cleansed everything off his mind.

For now.

 

Stefan woke up with a jump, breathing heavily and a quick heartbeat. It took a moment for his heart to calm down and before he could get up, stumbling as he made his way to the bathroom. 

He looked in the mirror for a moment and wondered what Gary and all the the other men who had been looking at him saw. Stefan himself saw a skinny boy, pale skin from spending his time indoors, a boy who looked not like a man, but just a little boy. Closing his eyes, he leaned over the sink and splashed some water on his face before leaning over to grab his pill bottle. He took one of them, his prescribed dosage, and swallowed it dry before again looking in the mirror. Maybe what they actually liked was the boyishness about him.

When he had made his way downstairs, he saw his father brewing tea while smoking a cigarette. He did not seem to have noticed Stefan slipping downstairs, but was alerted of his presence when Stefan sat down at the table.

“Good morning, Stefan,” he said and put out the cigarette on the ashtray.

“Morning,” Stefan yawned.

“Here’s some tea,” Peter said and put down a cup at the table. “What do you want for breakfast? Sugar puffs?”

Stefan nodded with a close mouthed, ingenuine smile and Peter handed him the box of sugary cereal.

“Seems a bit kiddywink to me,” Peter said and sat down opposite him, putting down a bowl of oatmeal in front of himself. Stefan did not reply.

On the way to school, Stefan put on Thompson Twins on his iPod and leaned back to look outside. Graffiti covered the walls. What he could decipher was “No future” and a strange glyph above it. He sighed and went back to looking forwards.

When he got to school, Sam greeted him excitedly outside the classroom. 

“Stefan, mate,” he said. “You gotta come around mine Friday, yeah?”

“What?” said Stefan. “What is happening-”

“My parents are out of town,” Sam explained. “It’s gonna be a banging party.”

Stefan doubted it. “Yeah, I’m really busy,” he trailed off, knowing that schoolwork had not yet begun to pile up. “I mean my dad wants me home.”

“Bollocks mate, you’re coming. Just ten minutes.”

Well, how bad could it be? Stefan thought. Just ten minutes. He could do just ten minutes. 

Kitty appeared in the corner of Stefan’s eye. He immediately felt awkward because of what he had seen the previous day. He looked down and refused to meet her gaze. Luckily, it did not take long before the bell rang.

As always, the day passed quickly. Maths, English, Civics all mixed into one giant blob. His maths teacher sipped a cup of tea so loudly and passionately that Stefan imagined grabbing the cup, splashing the tea in her face, to which the teacher would grab weapons from the shelf behind her, challenging him to a fight. In English, he imagined his teacher, mr. Wilson, doing the same. However, this time it was not a baton, but a whip, and he was not challenging him to a fight, but instead calmly demanding he meet him after class. He would then demand Stefan comes up to him, bend him over his lap, and then-

“Stefan, hello?” Sam waved a hand in front of Stefan’s face.

“Sorry, I just zoned out,” he said.

“So are you coming friday?”

“Oh, friday,” Stefan said. “Yeah, sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is kind of a filler but guess what ?? its about to be balling  
> I hate using ocs but tbh there are like 5 characters in bandersnatch so  
> ALSO Idk exactly when this is set but its sort of early 2000s so heyy


	3. three

Just ten minutes, Stefan thought to himself when he stood outside Sam’s house. He had thought about dressing nicely, but ended up wearing a black pullover with his standard black pants. He did not want to stand out, but would love to blend in, look like he belonged in the crowd. However, he knew that no matter what he did, it would not be possible. He took a deep breath before walking inside the house.

The first thing he noticed was the smell. A sickly sweet, earthy smell seemed to coat the walls. People were everywhere and it was hard for Stefan to even walk forward, but he was greeted by Sam by the staircase.

“Look who made it!” he said and came forward to give Stefan a hug. Stefan did not hug him back. “We’re going outside, come with.”

Before Stefan had the time to say no, he was pulled outside to the backyard, where a few people were sitting around a table and smoking. Stefan now realised where the sweet smell came from. He had never in his life encountered drugs before, not even alcohol, but here he was. Stefan looked around the table and his eyes met with Colin’s who was sitting at the other side of the table, holding Kitty’s hand with one hand and smoking a cigarette with the other. Stefan looked away and saw the joint being passed around. He was pulled by Sam who made him sit down next to him.

The joint was passed to Sam, who took two shallow puffs before reaching it over to Stefan. Stefan shook his head and kept his hands tightly curled in his lap. 

“Mate, come on,” Sam said. 

“I don’t know, I’ve never really-”

Before he could finish, Sam had put the joint in his hand.

He hesitated for a moment before he took a puff from the joint. He noticed people looking at him and felt a kind of pressure to just do something, and passing along the joint would have felt weirder than just accepting his fate. Kitty was smiling at him and Colin grabbed her hand harder. 

Stefan inhaled the smoke deep into his lungs and held it there for just a second before the sudden urge to cough overcame him. He coughed out the smoke and continued to cough for a solid thirty seconds to the amusement of Sam. Stefan tried to pass the joint along, but was interrupted by Sam urging him to take another puff. Stefan contemplated for a moment, a bit annoyed at Sam for doing this in front of so many people, but then thought ‘fuck it’, and went along and took another puff. This one was smoother, and he exhaled the smoke before coughing a few times.

It hit him like a truck. Suddenly, his vision was shaky and all the people felt so far away. Kitty was no longer smiling at him, but looking up at Colin who was looking at her with love in his eyes. Stefan put his hands on his knees and tried to act normal, but in his head, it felt as though he was shrinking and growing at the same time while the simple act of putting his hands on his knees was repeating over and over in his head.

“Woah,” he managed to say. The word repeated in his head after he had said it and he wondered if he had only said it or if he had screamed it or whispered it. He could not tell. 

“You’re feeling it?” Sam smiled. Stefan nodded, wide-eyed. 

“Yeah but I’ve gotta go,” Stefan said and stood up. “Just the loo. I’ll be right back.”

He rushed back inside and squeezed past all the people in the living room until he reached the stairs and went upstairs. Fucking Sam. Why did he have to become so different from before? 

He just needed to lie down somewhere and calm himself down for a bit, Stefan figured, and opened the door closest to the stairs. Inside he found tall bookshelves covering the walls and a small desk by the window. A doctorate was framed and hung by the desk, belonging to Sam’s father. He stood there for a moment, taking deep breaths before finally being able to balance himself. Stefan made his way over to one of the bookshelves and began scanning the books with his eyes. Books about biology and natural selection. He picked up a book about Darwin and opened up a page in the middle of the book. There were too many words and they all seemed to bounce on the page, mixing together in his brain and making it impossible to read more than a sentence. He put the book back and went to another bookshelf. On this one were books about art and culture. He picked up a book about the impressionists - Morisot, Monet, Pissarro and others. 

Stefan never really cared about art, but for some reason this book captivated him. He got stuck on a section about Degas and his dancers. The movement and the flow of the paintbrush strokes made Stefan feel as if he was there, dancing with the ballerinas and being painted by Degas. Stefan was the best ballerina, Degas’ muse. A slim waist and slender legs, arms poised perfectly and long, brown locks tied up into a tight bun. Stefan closed his eyes and saw it so clearly. He was spinning around, a smile on his face, in the large and bright room. The windows were tall, covering a whole wall and letting in as much natural light as the curtains permitted. A soft ballet was playing and Degas was studying Stefan’s every move, every way his body curved.

“Any good?” he heard somebody say, his trance having been broken, and Stefan looked up to see Colin standing in the doorway. 

“Oh, uh, no,” Stefan said and put back the book with shaky hands. “I-I was just...,” Stefan said, taking a step towards the door.

“What were you reading?” asked Colin.

“I don’t know,” Stefan said, looking away from Colin, unable to keep eye contact without getting the feeling that Colin could see right through him and see into his filthy mind. Colin walked towards Stefan and looked where Stefan had put back the book.

“The impressionists,” Colin said. “Interesting choice. You always do end up making interesting choices.” Stefan was confused, and Colin seemed to be able to see it. He even seemed to enjoy it. “I just mean that other times I come in to find you laughing at On The Origin of Species, for example.”

“I don’t understand what you are talking about,” Stefan said.

“Of course not,” he said and put out a hand for Stefan. “I’m Colin, yeah?”

“Stefan,” he said and shook Colin’s hand. “Are you Kitty’s boyfriend?”

Colin laughed out loud. “No,” he simply said. Stefan was once more confused by what Colin had said and once again it seemed that Colin could see that. “I saw you monday. I was with Kitty, yeah? I see why you might be confused then,” Colin said and took a step closer to Stefan. “I also saw you sunday, but I’d bet you don’t want me to talk about that.”

Stefan blushed to a deep scarlet colour, or so it felt. His entire face heated up and his eyes shifted back down to his hands. 

“That was, that was nothing,” Stefan stuttered and Colin stayed silent.

“Of course,” Colin said. He looked away from Stefan and back to the bookshelf. “Ah, here we are.” Colin had picked up a book that Stefan recognized very well; Bandersnatch. His face lit up and Colin noticed, smiling at this. “Surprising that a doctor has an adventure book in his office, isn’t it?” Stefan laughed for the first time that evening. “Maybe he is just smart enough to recognize it for what it is.”

“Bandersnatch is one of my favourite books,” Stefan said. “What ending did you get?”

“All of them,” Colin said. “Anyway, I’m about to head home. Fancy tagging along?”

“What, to, to yours?” Stefan said, blood rushing back to his face.

“I’m going to the bus. It’s your choice where you go after that.”

“Oh,” Stefan said, an unfamiliar feeling rising up in his chest. He had been at the party for longer than his promised ten minutes, and he had a feeling that Sam wouldn’t notice if he disappeared. “I live close to the station, I will come, I mean I can walk with you there.”

The fact that a boy speaking to him made him so disheveled really made him wonder what exactly was wrong with him.

“Wonderful,” Colin said and opened the door. “After you.”

The chilly air outside made Stefan’s mind a bit clearer. The initial anxiety from the weed had worn off and he now felt a comfortable warmth. Colours were just a bit brighter, the ground felt a bit softer, and he finally felt a bit hungry after days of no hunger. Colin lit a cigarette and they started walking alongside each other.

“Kitty said that you work at Tuckersoft?” Stefan said, more as a question than a statement.

“What about it?”

Stefan felt a little bit stupid when he heard the response. “I have played a lot of the games they put out. Except the commodore ones, I don’t have a commodore…” He trailed off and once again felt stupid.

“Great sound chip, the commodore,” Colin said and took a puff of his cigarette. “You should be on the lookout then. I will be putting something out soon.”

Stefan kept his excitement under wraps and simply nodded while looking down at his shoes as he walked. It seemed as though his cheeks were now permanently red. For the rest of the way, Stefan stayed silent, laughing once in a while at something Colin said, while Colin talked about what it was really like to work at Tuckersoft. As they approached the underground station, Stefan did not really want it to end while at the same time wishing he was at home, in bed, alone with his thoughts. He hated the thoughts.

“How about tomorrow you come around mine?” Colin said and threw the cigarette on the ground.

“Oh, yours?” Stefan said as if suddenly having been awoken from a dream. Colin raised an eyebrow. “To your place?” Stefan said in disbelief. He did not really understand what it was that Colin wanted.

“Where I live, yes,” Colin said and chuckled.

“Yeah, sure,” Stefan said, almost too quickly, but Colin didn’t seem to mind. Stefan looked down at his shoes again, feeling like Colin’s gaze was all too powerful.

“Get down my number,” Colin commanded and brought up a pen from his shirt pocket.

“I don't have any paper.”

Colin scoffed and grabbed Stefan's arm. While balancing a cig in his mouth, he gently rolled up Stefan's sleeve and wrote the number on his bare skin. It was enough to give him goosebumps.

“I will see you tomorrow then.”

 

Stefan threw himself face-first on his bed, feeling the effects of the weed slowly wearing off and at the same time feeling the rush from speaking to Colin earlier. 

It did not make any sense to him. There was absolutely no reason for Colin to have been interested in talking to Stefan. Stefan had been silent all night, barely smiling, barely making himself known in any way, yet Colin had followed him upstairs and into the office. Even then, Stefan had not been very entertaining to be around. Yet, Colin had asked him to come over to his place tomorrow. Just like that.

Stefan smiled to himself. Most likely, he just finally found somebody with similar interests, Stefan had to remind himself. But just maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can tell you that next chapter will be awesome  
> So far im not a big fan of my writing here but yall...........   
> also i think its quite obvious this is a slow fic so hey patience ;)


	4. four

In his excitement, Stefan had forgotten that Colin was a complete stranger. That fact hit him in the face when he was standing outside Colin's door at 7PM, ready to knock, but not truly ready. Yet again he asked himself what the hell he was doing. 

That thought was interrupted by the door swinging open, revealing Colin leaning against the door frame and looking at Stefan with an amused look.

“So were you planning on coming inside or not?” Colin said. 

“Yeah,” Stefan said all too quickly. “Yes.”

“Come on then.” Colin turned his back to Stefan and walked inside. Stefan followed and examined his surroundings. The walls were bare and the furniture had been kept to a minimum. Colin led him to the living room, where he sat down on the couch and motioned for Stefan to join him. 

Stefan hung his jacket on the back of a chair before awkwardly sitting down a bit away from Colin. While lighting a cigarette, Colin leaned back and looked over to Stefan.

“Awfully nice of you to come,” Colin said with just a hint of sarcasm and that snarky, amused look still on his face. “You didn't seem very interested yesterday.”

Stefan gulped. “What do you mean with interested?”

“You know what I mean.”’ Those words sent a shiver down Stefan's spine.

“I'm, I'm interested to hear about Tuckersoft,” he said. “And your games, I mean, it's really, really cool, I'm just…”

“You're shy,” said Colin and blew out a cloud of smoke. “Timid. It's a wonder you even have parties to go to.” Colin scooted closer to Stefan. “I can tell you all about mr. Thakur, if that really is why you are here right now.”

That is why he was there, no matter the thoughts he was trying to suppress, but he stayed silent. He bit his cheek and looked down at his hands. It felt as if Colin was looking through him at that moment, reading his every little move. 

“I’m just sort of wondering how you ended up there, at Tuckersoft,” he said and looked up. Colin had looked away and was now reaching for something on the ashtray.

“Not very complicated,” he said and put a joint between his lips. “I got a job offer so I dropped out of uni.”

Just then is when Stefan started wondering how old Colin really was. “I didn’t know they accepted people who were not qualified,” he said and regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. It had sounded condescending, when really it was meant as quite the opposite. The fact that Colin had gotten a job offer without a degree spoke volumes of his talent. Colin did not seem to mind, but had gotten a surprised expression of his face before laughing and shaking his head. He lit the joint.

“Oh, trust me, I am qualified.”

Stefan could not help but laugh uncomfortably. “I’m sorry if it sounded rude, I just-”

“Don’t worry so much,” Colin interrupted and reached the joint over to Stefan.

Stefan was brought back to the bad memories from the last time he smoked, only a day before. “I don’t really smoke,” he said.

“Don’t worry,” Colin repeated and reassured. Stefan grabbed the joint and looked away from Colin again, as he was feeling his eyes boring holes into his skull. He took a deep puff and let the smoke linger in his lungs before breathing it out. Focusing deeply on not coughing, he looked up at Colin again. Colin was smiling. Stefan lost his focus and started coughing, to which Colin started laughing and Stefan could not help but join in. “Take another one.”

Stefan did as he was told and took another puff, this one bigger than the first one, and as soon as he breathed out he felt that same dizziness as the night before.

“Good boy,” Colin said and took back the joint. Stefan leaned back in the sofa and closed his eyes. This was indeed the same dizziness as before, but there was no anxiety attached to it, only a comfortable and deep sense of relaxation, as if glued to the couch. Colin took a few puffs before handing it back to Stefan again.

“Are- Are you sure?” he said. He was already feeling good, his limbs tingling and his brain floating. He was not sure what would happen if he took another one.

“It’s your choice,” Colin simply stated, and Stefan nodded. He took another puff. “Does it feel good?”

Stefan had to steady himself for a moment before answering. “I can just like… Feel the gravity of the earth a lot?”

Colin laughed and Stefan, without hesitation, joined in. 

“That’s kush for you,” he said and grabbed the joint from Stefan’s hand. He finished the joint by himself as Stefan sat in silence, looking around the room. His head felt unsteady, as if it suddenly weighed three times what it used to. He let it roll to the side and didn’t bother to try to raise it again. It made him laugh to himself. What would his father think of this if he knew? His father knew him as a very good boy. Then again, Colin had called him a good boy for doing it in the first place, so it evened out, Stefan thought to himself and smiled. “Feeling better now?”

Stefan nodded at the question and looked at Colin who was putting out the joint.

“How old are you?” Stefan asked.

“23.”

“So I just smoked weed with a random 23 year old?”

“I’m not random. None of this is random. The cosmic flowchart has determined it,” Colin stated. Stefan looked confused which lead Colin to explain further. “According to determinism there is essentially only one thing that could have ever happened. Our previous choices and our surroundings have always determined what will happen beforehand. There is nothing we can do about it.”

“So it’s fate?” Stefan said and giggled to himself without caring how silly it looked. His head rolled around his shoulders and he felt like he could not stop it.

“In a sense, yes,” he said. “But it was not meant to be. It just could not have been any other way.”

Stefan kept looking around the room, only half-listening to what Colin was saying. Even the living room was bare and only keeping to the essentials. A couch, a coffee table and a small tv standing on it next to the overflowing ashtray. 

“Why is there nothing in here?” Stefan said, not realising the question did not really make sense. 

“It's my parents’ house,” Colin said, apparently having understood what he meant. “They just moved out. I bought it from them.”

“That's incredible,” Stefan gasped. 

Colin chuckled and lit another cigarette. “Yeah, yeah, well. I could afford it, so I figured why not buy the house I grew up in?” He paused. “Maybe it was just to spite them.”

“I would rather die than live in my dad's house,” Stefan said. 

“How so?”

“It's a stupid house. I don't know.”

“Does it maybe remind you of something?”

Stefan thought back to his mother and father fighting when he was little. Their shouts echoing in the hallway outside of his room and how scared he was of either of them disappearing. It was temporary, he would have to remind himself. Tomorrow he would wake up and they would have have breakfast together and his parents would kiss and all would be good again.

While waiting for Stefan’s answer, Colin got up and put on a mix CD of songs that sounded as if they had been recorded in somebody’s garage. He once more sat down next to Stefan. Stefan could feel the rhythm of the song in his whole body, like an echo just tracing its way down to the pit of his stomach and staying there for a while, before reaching out to the very end of his extremities.

“I don't know,” Stefan answered and kept his head hanging low. 

“Whatever it is, it pales in comparison to the feeling of reclaiming all of it,” Colin said and laughed when Stefan let his head roll back and let his whole body relax. He moved closer. “You look like you need help keeping up that head of yours.”

Colin grabbed his head with both hands and steadied it. Stefan looked at him and brought his finger up, carefully touching Colin's cheek.

“Kitty really isn't your girlfriend?” Stefan asked when Colin let go of his head. This time, he could keep it steady on his own.

“No,” he answered. 

“Then what is she?” 

“Another like-minded person,” he said. “She has seen what I've seen. The truth, that is.”

“What’s the truth?”

“That nothing matters,” Colin said.

“That’s a sad way of looking at life,” Stefan said. This time, it was he who scooted closer.

“It’s not, though,” Colin said and took a puff. “It lets you live freely without worrying about what might happen or what has happened before. It’s not sad, Stefan. It’s freeing.”

Stefan let himself be pulled closer. They were now so close that Stefan felt Colin’s breath, a mix of cigarettes and some warm smell that he could not identify, but it felt comfortable. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“It’s getting late,” Colin said. The sun had set and the room felt awfully quiet. “You can sleep here if you want.” It was more like a command than a request.

“Okay,” Stefan agreed. “Where do I sleep?”

“You can have my bed,” Colin said. “I’ll just take the sofa. Better for both of us.”  
Colin showed the way to his bed. Walking up the stairs was a big task for Stefan, feeling as if each step was a mile long. His thighs ached when he reached the top of them. Colin’s room was not as bare as the rest of the house. There was a large bookshelf and a desk with papers scattered all over it, as well as a computer and some empty cups lying around. 

“Here you go,” Colin said and gestured to the bed.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course,” Colin said. “You’ve had a big day.”

Stefan smiled and crawled into the big bed, large enough to fit the both of them, but Stefan kept that thought to himself. When Colin had gone downstairs and Stefan was all alone, Stefan let his mind drift to an alternative path where he had told Colin that he would like it more if they slept together in the same bed. Stefan would then have stayed awake for another hour, just smelling that mix of warmth and cigarettes and cologne before falling asleep in Colin’s arms. But according to what Colin had said about determinism, there was no other way that it could have happened.

Stefan would have to wait just a bit longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one day????  
> jk i wrote this last night when i was high as fuck all alone :(  
> now we're getting to the fun part guysss


	5. five

It took Stefan a moment to realise where he was when he woke up. The sun was streaming in through the curtainless windows, making it entirely impossible for Stefan to stay asleep any longer. He stretched and felt embraced in the duvet that smelled just like Colin himself.

With that thought, he immediately became nervous again. He had been so out of it yesterday that he could barely remember what he had said. It was likely something embarrassing. Likely something that would out him. Colin had seemed so calm, so trustworthy and so caring. Stefan had needed that.

When he went downstairs, he found Colin sitting in front of the tv smoking a cigarette. His head turned when Stefan came downstairs.

“Morning,” he greeted.

“Good morning,” Stefan said and went to pick up the jacket he had left there. “I have to get home, my dad’s probably worried.”

“Right,” Colin nodded, again with a hint of sarcasm. “Say hi to him from me, then.”

Stefan did not know what he had expected, but certainly something else. He stood silent for a few moments, expecting Colin to say something else, maybe ask him to stay, but it never came.

“Okay, goodbye,” Stefan said and turned to walk away, but that was interrupted by Colin.

“Come around any time you need,” Colin said. “I’ll be here most of the time. If not, there is a key under the pot by the door.”

“Okay,” Stefan said.

“Bye, Stefan.”

“Bye.”

Stefan exited the house but wished so badly that he had not. Once again he had limited himself based on his silly fears, the thought that Colin did not really want him there, but was just being friendly, as people do. But then why would be have told him where the key was? Stefan groaned with frustration over himself and pondered for a moment whether or not to turn around and walk back in again. He decided against it, considering that perhaps that would make him even weider in Colin’s eyes.

And he wanted to impress Colin.

When walking to the station, he just had to smile to himself. There was no way that he would have turned around, not in any conceivable universe, because his past and his surroundings had decided for him already. The theory made both more and less sense in the light of day, but Stefan found comfort in it. All in all, Stefan was pleasantly surprised at how yesterday had gone. The awkward silences were minimal and his shyness seemed to have taken a step back to leave room for a Stefan that was questioning and dared to lean in to Colin’s arms. 

Stefan kept smiling all the way home, and when he stepped through the doors, his father seemed to notice that something was just right with him.

“I’m trying to figure out how this DVD thing works,” he said, leaned over the tv table. “This is like alien technology… Oh, how was it meeting your new friend?” Just those words and that utter disinterest made Stefan feel the motivation and joy leave him, right then and there.

“Good,” Stefan said. He thought about what could be happening right now instead of this. Chilling in Colin’s sofa, perhaps watching a movie together. Stefan just assumed that Colin would have a DVD and that he would know how it worked, considering he was tech-savvy enough to work at Tuckersoft and burn his own CDs. Again, Stefan cringed at his father.

During the afternoon, Stefan did his homework, cleaned up his room and got around to reading a bit. Anything to distract him from the painful loneliness he was feeling at the moment. It had creeped up his chest, feeling like vines inside his lungs, making it a bit hard to breathe. 

Now this feeling, he recognized. He sat on his bed and leaned forward, clutching his chest, trying to make the anxiety go away with deep breaths and calm thoughts. He thought of that time when he and his mum and dad had a picnic in Hyde park. Stefan had watched all the dogs running around and smiled at old ladies walking past. He thought about how safe he felt when his mum held him close and kissed his forehead before urging him to eat. Stefan used to have an appetite back then.

The anxiety lessened and he could finally sit up straight and breathe normally. Like on cue, there was a knock on the door. 

“Come in.”

Peter popped his head in. “There is dinner waiting for you downstairs.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Have you eaten today?”

Stefan didn’t answer, instead sat down by the computer and started it up. Maybe his father would leave if he just did not say anything. A few seconds in, and Stefan realised that was not going to happen. He sighed and turned to his dad.

“I’m sorry, I’m just not hungry,” he said.

“I’ll bring you some food up here,” Peter said in a compassionate tone. 

Stefan nodded and Peter closed the door, to which Stefan leaned forward and put his head in his hands. He suddenly felt exhausted as if just having ran a marathon and closed his eyes. Yesterday was a distant memory, a fleeting moment of happiness in an otherwise bland world, void of colours and feelings. Maybe it had just been the weed… But Stefan chose to believe otherwise. The past week had been so stressful and yet opened so many new doors. 

 

The next day at school, Stefan did not see Kitty until lunchtime. She had been skipping school and Stefan absent-mindedly wondered if she had done it with Colin, staying at his house, sharing the same vision. She was a like minded person, he had said after all. Stefan wondered if she also knew where the key was. Most likely. He felt a sharp sting in his chest as he thought about it, an uncomfortable feeling of dislike towards Kitty for no other reason than that Colin thought she was special.

Sam had been avoiding Stefan during the forenoon but rejoined him as soon as Kitty came along. Stefan thought it was very weird, especially considering he barely spoke to him even when they were together at lunch, but he said nothing. It was not his choice, and besides, Stefan understood if Sam didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. It was obvious Sam had grown away from him, developed so much faster than Stefan himself, while Stefan was left as the same person he had been at fourteen. It was painful to be left behind.

Sam had not said anything about Stefan disappearing from the party either, so Stefan assumed that he no longer cared.

Monday passed eventlessly and tuesday greeted Stefan with a fresh bang of anxiety, hitting him in the chest as soon as he woke up. That feeling stuck with him throughout the day as he was walking the corridors a mindless zombie. Kitty took notice and pulled him aside when school had finished and before Stefan had time to escape.

“Is something wrong?” she asked and put both hands on his upper arms. Stefan shook his head and avoided eye contact as if he thought she would just disappear if he didn’t look at her. She sighed and let him go. “Colin told me you two hung out.”

“Okay,” he said. In his mind he had expected her to also have that stinging pain in her chest from knowing she didn’t own Colin, but she didn’t. She just looked happy for him. 

“He really liked you,” she said.

“Why?” he asked. “I barely said anything.”

She laughed. “You’re really naive, you know that?” Stefan blushed. Kitty let her smile fade away and then looked at him with genuinely concerned eyes. “Don’t get too sucked into him.”  
Stefan didn’t understand what she meant but nodded anyway. “I’ve gotta get home.”

“Of course,” she said and they accompanied each other outside. “You take care of yourself, alright?”

“Yeah,” he said. Kitty gave him a surprisingly tight hug goodbye before she walked away. On the other side of the yard stood Colin waiting for Kitty. He lifted up a hand to Stefan, a weird sort of wave, but Stefan did nothing back. Stefan watched them from afar. Kitty hugged Colin and they walked away together, hand in hand.

That stinging feeling came back and he had to remind himself of what Colin said. She is just another like-minded person. On the bus, Stefan wondered if Colin considered him a like-minded person. 

Probably not, Stefan thought. But he knew that he would mold himself to be just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just rewatched hang the dj and hand to god it is THE best black mirror episode


	6. six

Stefan woke up thursday as he had every day that week. With a quick heartbeat, heavy breathing and shaky in the steps he took to the bathroom. He took his pill, swallowed it dry, and looked in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot and dark circles had formed underneath them. Stefan had been staying up late last night reading Bandersnatch, immersed in the different paths, the myriad of possibilities, and had fallen asleep at approximately 3AM, leaving him running on only four hours of sleep. 

Mentally preparing himself for the day was now a daily routine. He had to take a few deep breaths, try to get rid of the anxiety of coming to school and the anxiety of being completely ignored by Sam while Kitty sat there, looking at him with concerned eyes.

He left the bathroom and saw his father leaving his office. 

“Breakfast?” he asked, to which Stefan shook his head. He was not feeling any hunger whatsoever, but rather feeling like a big ball was sitting in the pit of his stomach. “At least have a cuppa then.”

They went downstairs and Peter prepared the tea for Stefan while Stefan sat at the table, still flipping through the pages of Bandersnatch.

“What’s that?” Peter read the book’s title. “Bandersnatch. Was that your mum’s?”

“It was in her things, yeah,” Stefan said. Peter stayed silent for a moment.

“Maybe you should put it back,” Peter said after a while. Stefan looked down at the book and bit his cheek. “You don’t look well. Are you sure you’re fine to go to school?”

“I’m fine,” Stefan bit back.

“Stefan, please,” Peter begged and put down the tea on the table before sitting down and scooting closer to Stefan. He put a hand to Stefan’s forehead. “You have a fever,” Peter sighed.

“I said I’m fine,” Stefan insisted, gradually getting more annoyed. 

“You’re not fine,” Peter said and snatched the book from his hands. 

“Hey!” Stefan shouted.

“We’re going to dr. Haynes,” Peter stated. Stefan sighed, already knowing it was a lost battle. “Finish your tea.”

Stefan sat in silence, his insides fuming with rage, not drinking his tea, just waiting for his father to finish his bland oatmeal so he could drive him to his therapist’s office. Everything about his father annoyed him at the moment. Everything from what he ate to how he spoke to the way he tried to control Stefan. Where the hell did that come from?

When he was young, Stefan had perceived his father as something entirely different than now. He had been stern, not letting him play with whatever toys he wanted, that was true. He had been stern but safe. Stefan remembered feeling safe when he crawled into his parents’ bed and lying between them, his father holding him in his strong arms as his mother put a hand on his head. They had kissed and Stefan had watched, loving the feeling of just being loved so intensely by both of them. 

Now the thought of his father’s embrace made him shudder.

Stefan fell asleep during the drive and was only awoken when Peter’s gentle hand was put on his shoulder, urging him to wake up. “We’re here.”

They got out of the car but something just made Stefan unable to walk any closer to the office. The thought of sitting down right now and talking about feelings evoked some weird gag reflex. It was nauseating. In the corner of his eye, he saw a man with bleached-blonde hair and a cigarette in hand looking at him from the other side of the street.

“Come on then,” Peter said. Stefan shook his head. “Come on, Stefan. Please.” Judging by his voice, Peter was desperately begging him to come inside and talk to his therapist.

“No,” Stefan refused. He turned his head and saw Colin, walking slowly while looking at him. Stefan started walking towards him.

“Stefan,” Peter begged but remained standing by the car. He watched Stefan run over the street to Colin before they disappeared out of his sight.

“Colin,” Stefan said and Colin turned around.

“How is it going?” he asked and took another puff.

“Not good,” he answered. “I’m just… lost.”

“In a fight with your own head,” Colin said. It was not a question but a statement, like Colin thought he could read Stefan’s mind. The funny thing was that he was right.

“Yes, exactly,” Stefan said.

“Good thing I found you, then,” Colin said. “How about we go to my place and I’ll get you out of that hole.”

 

Stefan had never realised how close Colin’s house was to the therapist’s office. A ten minute walk later and they stood outside of the familiar brick house, Colin reaching underneath the pot for the key to the house. He opened the door for both of them and Stefan followed inside. The house smelled like pumpkin and cigarettes this time around. Colin went to the kitchen and Stefan followed, where he saw a saucepan on full heat, boiling away. The contents looked like some yellow mush, but it smelled delicious. For some reason, it made Stefan think of his mother. 

“Thought the house would be burned down by now,” Colin smoked a cigarette while stirring.

“Why did you have it on full heat?” Stefan said. “And why did you leave the house?”

“Aren’t you happy I did?” Colin winked and turned the heat off. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”

“You told me where the key was,” Stefan said, insinuating that he could have come without having seen Colin.

“We both know you need a formal invitation,” Colin said. “You’re too shy.” Stefan once again got the feeling he’d had when he first met Colin. That permanent blush was back and he looked down. “It’s not a bad thing,” Colin added. 

Colin grabbed a spoon and grabbed some of the yellow mush with it. He blowed on it for a moment before putting it in his mouth, immediately nodding in approval. Stefan suddenly felt hungry. 

“Have some,” Colin said as if he had read Stefan’s mind, and grabbed another spoonful. He gestured for Stefan to come closer. Stefan felt his pulse in his throat, a tight knot in his stomach which released into a million butterflies when Colin put the spoon against his lips. Stefan opened his mouth and looked into Colin’s eyes as he swallowed the soup. 

“It’s good,” he said. It tasted like pumpkin and chili, a bit too spicy for his own taste, but if that’s what Colin liked, he figured he could handle it. 

“It is,” Colin said. “Kitty loves it.”

Stefan’s heart sank, but he could not figure out why. The thought of Kitty replacing him in this scenario hurt for some reason. Their relationship was confusing to Stefan. He did not understand its true nature. Hand holding, hard hugs and cheek kisses belonged to romantic relationships in his mind, but apparently not according to Colin. This made Stefan even more confused as to what it was that Colin actually wanted.

“Do you cook a lot?” Stefan asked and Colin shook his head, grabbing a bowl. 

“It’s for Kitty,” he said. “She’ll be coming over in a while. She’s helping me with my game.”

“Oh,” was all Stefan got out. So not only did he see her as a like-minded person, but somebody who could help him with work. Stefan knew some programming and had made some websites online, but that was as far as it stretched. In that moment he wished he had spent more time on that instead of reading. Instead of the thoughts he hated and instead of imagining being watched intensely, imagining being bent over a lap or being told he was a good boy as he got down on his knees. 

“Still there?” Colin said and Stefan snapped back to reality. For some reason, Stefan got the feeling that Colin had read his mind and became shy as soon as he realised what he had been thinking about right in front of Colin.

“Yeah.”

“Good,” Colin said. “How about a film?”

Stefan nodded. They moved into the living room and Colin put down the bowl on the table before he went over to a cabinet. Inside were rows of DVDs and VCR tapes. Colin scanned them with his eyes before he turned back.

“What kind of films do you like?” he asked Stefan. Stefan sat in silence for a moment, as if all the movies he had ever watched just disappeared from his memory, all at once.

“I don’t know, I don’t really watch any…”

“You know, creatives,” Colin said and paused, taking a puff of his cigarette. “We need to immerse ourselves in different kinds of art. If we get stuck in one field we get… You know, stuck.”

“Yeah, I just… Don’t know,” Stefan said, mad at himself for making a fool of himself in the simplest ways.

“How about A Clockwork Orange?”

Excitement rushed over him at the fact that there was something else they had in common. “I love that book. Burgess was a visionary, I mean-”

“Is that so?” Colin said and leaned forward. To that, Stefan stopped talking, but smiled and let out a forced laugh while he wiped his hands on his pants. He quickly looked down again when he noticed Colin looking intensely at him. “Burgess was a madman. That’s what you need, a bit of madness,” Colin said to Stefan and pointed to his own forehead.

“Okay,” he chose to agree and watched Colin put in the VCR tape and let the film begin, before again sitting next to Stefan and putting out his cigarette. He picked up the bowl and fed Stefan another spoonful, before taking one himself. 

The film passed quietly, Colin now and again making a comment about the cinematography or the psychology behind the characters. Stefan would usually be very interested to hear it, but what he was really focusing on was the way Colin so casually fed Stefan the soup, like he was feeding a child who could not yet fend for himself. He imagined Colin wiping Stefan’s mouth, patting his head like a small child and letting him lay down and lean against his lap. Yet again, Stefan had to pull himself out of his thoughts when his mind took him down a different path. 

About halfway through, there was a knock on the door and Kitty came in without waiting for anybody to open. She walked in to the living room and smiled a big smile when she saw Stefan.

“Oh, Stefan!” she exclaimed and sat next to them. Colin paused the film and hugged Kitty. Kitty then reached over Colin to give Stefan a hug. “I was wondering where the hell you’d gone. You didn’t show up at school.”

“Yeah,” he said, again feeling awkward. “I had a fight with dad and then I met Colin, so…”

“Picked him up just by st. Juniper’s,” Colin said. “Stefan’s in the hole.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “Are you gonna get him out?”

Colin hummed in response. Kitty nodded and then looked at the empty bowl on the table.

“You cooked my soup?” she said happily. 

“Yep,” Colin said and stood up, Stefan didn’t know whether to stand up and follow or not, so he chose to stay seated in the sofa. Kitty and Colin went together to the kitchen and came back with a big bowl just for Kitty, who looked like she had just been handed a thousand pounds. “So, Stefan,” Colin said when he came back. Stefan prepared himself to hear that he needed to leave, seeing as Kitty’s arrival meant that now they would be working on the game. “You stay here. We’ll be an hour. Feel free to do whatever you want. Not that there is much to do.”

Stefan nodded, now realising that Colin really did want him to stay, and that this was only a small interruption. Colin winked at him as he left the room and it left Stefan feeling absolutely weak.

When left alone, Stefan could finally reflect on what had happened. The rational part of his brain was screaming at him to go home, or at the very least call his father, but he reasoned against it. 

Whatever this was, he had to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this I'm realising that Im seriously lacking some english skills so im truly sorry ;; english aint my first language ya feel  
> I appreciate you guys who comment despite that crusty ass english, shoutout to you, you beautiful souls


	7. seven

It took two hours before Kitty left. Stefan had amused himself by going through the movies in Colin’s cabinet and found himself surprised at his wide range in taste. Everything from Fight Club to The Lion King was to be found there, and Stefan wondered if his taste was as wide in other fields as in this one. He felt a tingle in his stomach out of nowhere.

He continued watching the movie and as soon as it was done, Kitty left. She hugged Stefan goodbye and reassured him that if there ever was something wrong, she was there. He did not believe her. When the door slammed shut, Colin looked at Stefan with an amused look. 

“It’s getting dark,” Colin said. “I don’t want to be a bad influence. How about you go home.”

Stefan was surprised at this, as he had thought that Colin wanted him to stay. He himself wanted desperately to stay, but he could not pinpoint exactly why.

“You don’t have to leave,” Colin said after a moment of silence, having noticed that Stefan was hesitant. “I would rather you don’t, actually.” Stefan blushed again and Colin took a step forward. “Do you want to get out of the hole?”

“Yes,” Stefan said. 

“Come with me.”

They sat down and Colin took out what looked like an old snuff pack from the cabinet. He sat down opposite to Stefan and opened it, taking out two pills from within it. Stefan’s heart quickened and he gulped. 

“What is that?”

“I can promise you that it will get you out,” Colin said and reached one of the pills over to Stefan. What he could see what a small, pink pill with a lion head on it. “You don’t have to. I’m only giving you the choice.”

Stefan thought about it for a moment and something just clicked. It almost aroused him. He didn’t have a choice. He had a feeling, and Colin’s eyes told him that no matter what, that pill would be in his system tonight. That provoked a thought that would confirm or disprove his theory. He chuckled.

“What if I say no?”

Colin smirked, as if he had half-expected that reply. “I will choose for you.”

Stefan got butterflies in his stomach and could barely form a coherent sentence at this point. The only thing that kept him grounded was also what provoked those feelings. “Then choose for me.”

Colin smiled and took his pill, before he walked over to sit next to Stefan. Shivering with anticipation, Stefan watched Colin pick up the pill. Colin gently touched his face and smirked when Stefan gasped. He then moved one hand to Stefan’s jaw and forced it open, before he put the pill on Stefan’s tongue. Stefan swallowed it dry, it already being a daily routine for him to swallow pills dry.

“What now?” Stefan asked.

“Let’s go.”

 

Colin brought him to a club entirely different from The Masquerade. This one was loud and rambunctious, with a band playing some rock song that Stefan didn’t recognize. Colin walked towards the bar and Stefan followed like a lost puppy. Whatever the pill was, it had not yet made him feel any different.

“Two fireballs, please,” Colin said and the bartender poured two shots for them. Colin pushed one closer to Stefan and took the other one for himself. “Don’t drink the whole thing at once.”

Stefan grabbed his shot glass and took a small sip at first. The taste was not bad. If anything it reminded him of cinnamon and tea, only cold and spicy. Colin smiled before taking the shot in one go. He then urged Stefan to take another sip of it, this one bigger, and it burned in his throat when he swallowed. For some reason, it felt good. 

Actually, for some reason, everything felt good. The music, the loudness, the warmth and the way Colin was looking at him. It didn’t make him feel shy. He looked at Colin, wide-eyed, and laughed.

“What did you give me?” he asked again, this time expecting an answer. He realized that even if he wouldn’t get an answer, he didn’t mind. Everything was good anyway. Everything would be fine. 

“MDMA,” Colin said.

“Cool,” Stefan smiled.

“Do you want to dance?” 

“Definitely.”

They danced together, took breaks once in a while, but everything was focused on Colin. Stefan simply could not take his eyes away from him. He was completely entrancing. His dyed hair, his carefree style and the roughness and the grace he had about him. There was just something about him that was different. Stefan didn’t even care about how he looked when he danced. Nobody cares anyway, he thought. He felt good and that was the only thing that mattered.

Colin grabbed Stefan by the hand and lead him out of the crowd. “Let’s drink some water.”

Stefan agreed but felt no thirst. In that moment he would have probably agreed to anything. Colin handed him a glass of water from the bar before getting one for himself. They drank in silence, but Stefan was smiling the whole time, trying to stand as close as he could to Colin without falling over or falling into him. Or falling in other ways.

Stefan barely registered them leaving the club or the trip home. All he knew was that he was with Colin and everything was so insanely good. The pleasure he felt from seeing everything around him, seeing the world moving was overpowering, and he could not stop smiling.

Colin had begun ranting about the theory of determinism once again and this time, Stefan really did listen. They were back in Colin’s house, but this time it looked different to Stefan. The bare walls were pretty and allowed him to think freely. He imagined what he would put up on these walls if he lived here with Colin.

“So it could not have been any other way than you giving me MDMA?” Stefan said, drinking water that Colin had handed to him without really knowing why. “That’s why you said you would choose for me?”

“I said I would choose for you because I know you want me to choose for you.”

“You’re not a mind reader,” Stefan insisted.

“That, you are right about,” Colin said and took the glass away from Stefan, chugging the water and putting the glass down on the counter. “Come with me.”

He grabbed Stefan’s hand and lead him through the living room and out through the glass door to the backyard. The damp grass felt orgasmic against Stefan’s feet, and in that moment, he just wanted to be embraced by the grass all around him, or by Colin. He didn’t mind.

Even though he had insisted that he could not read minds, Colin put an arm around Stefan and squeezed as they walked out into the dark backyard.

Colin and Stefan laid down on the grass next to each other.

“Now this is it, Stefan,” Colin said. “See the stars?”

They both looked up and saw a completely clear sky. The milky way laid naked in front of them and Stefan just wanted to reach up and touch it. When Stefan’s hand reached the stars, he disrupted the sky and instead of being up there, the sky came down to the earth. Stefan turned to Colin and saw where it had all ended up.

They just kept looking up as their bodies tingled from all the stars they had caught with their hands.

“How much of this do you usually remember?” Stefan asked. 

“Everything, but it’s a little bit different in your head.”

“Alright.”

They laid quiet and watched the stars align into beautiful patterns. Stefan, without thinking, put his hand in Colin’s. It tingled so beautifully.

After laying on the grass for what must have been half an hour, Stefan started feeling the comedown. The patterns in the sky were not as evident as before and he finally felt the damp of his pullover sticking to his skin. A wave of anxiety washed over him and he grabbed Colin’s hand harder. Colin looked at him.

“Are you scared?” he asked.

“No,” Stefan said. He wasn’t.

“You asked how much you will remember from this. Do you not want to remember?” Colin asked. Stefan looked at him, a frightened look about him again. Deer in the headlights. “You look scared,” Colin said when he didn’t get a reply.

“I want to go back inside,” Stefan said, now feeling very cold.

“Alright mate, let’s get you inside then.” He could walk fine on his own, but Colin still helped him get inside. “Lay down here.”

Stefan closed his eyes when he laid down on the couch. He had not expected the comedown, the anxiety, but for some reason, it was fine with him at the moment. He just wanted his clothes to be dry again.

When Colin came back downstairs, Stefan laid shivering on the sofa, eyes closed, but clearly awake. “Here you go,” Colin said and handed him a long sleeved t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Colin had apparently already changed clothes, to the disappointment of Stefan. Colin left the room to let Stefan change by himself. This turned out to be a bad choice when Stefan tried his hardest to focus and threw off his wet clothes, and realising that putting on the new clothes felt like one of the hardest things he had ever done. He was lying down, trying to pull up the sweatpants when Colin came back in.

“It’s not that hard, you know,” Colin chuckled. 

“I’m just really tired,” Stefan replied.

Colin sat down on the couch next to him and lit up a cigarette. He looked over to Stefan and he was trying, but struggling, as he was laying down flat and did not seem to want to budge. Colin put the cigarette down and sighed in frustration. He then, without a second thought, pulled Stefan’s sweatpants up for him. Stefan looked at him in shock for a moment, before breaking up into laughter. Colin did the same.

“There, you baby,” Colin said and picked up his cigarette again. Stefan sat up and took off his wet shirt. For a split second, Stefan was incredibly aware of Colin looking at his chest, his adam’s apple, his stomach. But the moment was interrupted as he pulled the dry shirt over his head and leaned back on the sofa. Stefan sighed, now feeling much better, but still had a little bit of anxiety.

He looked at Colin who was smoking his cigarette and looking forward at nothing in particular. “Do you think I could have a fag?” Stefan asked with a small voice. 

Colin raised my eyebrows. “Thought you didn’t smoke?” he said while handing him his pack.

“I just feel like it would be nice… right now.”

Colin lit it for him and he inhaled slowly. No coughing this time.

“Are you still cold?” Colin asked.

“A bit.”

Colin grabbed a felt blanket and wrapped it around them both, before wrapping one arm around Stefan’s shoulders.

“You like being babied,” Colin said and at any other moment, Stefan would have been too shy to even say anything back, but right now, it just felt so right.

“Never had a daddy to do that for me,” he said and took another careful puff. “And my mum died when I was five.”

Colin looked surprised, both at what Stefan had said and that he had actually replied at all. He pulled him even closer. What seemed to surprise him even more was that Stefan rested his head against Colin’s chest. At that, Colin put out his cigarette and grabbed the just-lit cigarette from Stefan’s hand. He put that one out as well.

“I wasn’t done with it,” Stefan moaned.

“You hate cigarettes.”

“They smell like you,” Stefan said and looked up at Colin. They stayed in silence for a while and Stefan felt Colin’s hand stroking his arm. Colin reached his other hand up and put it on Stefan’s cheek. To Stefan, it felt like the cold fingers left permanent imprints on his cheek. He wanted to stay in this moment forever.

Stefan leaned forward and kissed Colin. It was as if he melted, completely relaxing every muscle and giving in to Colin completely. When he pulled away he no longer felt like a frightened deer in the headlights, but tired and sultry. The feeling was just as genuine and raw, but there was no fear. Colin kept his hand on his cheek for a moment, before moving it to grab Stefan’s hair.

“Do you want to remember this?” Colin asked. Stefan nodded.

Colin pulled him into a kiss again, this one longer, deeper and wetter. There was an explosion in Stefan’s chest, a wide range of colours just floating around his body. The kiss was interrupted by Stefan yawning. 

“It’s bedtime, I reckon,” Colin said and petted Stefan’s hair. Stefan let his eyes close and felt Colin shift, moving them into a more comfortable position with Stefan leaning against Colin’s chest. 

Stefan fell asleep listening to Colin’s heartbeat. His mind was completely empty for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am DONE with waiting for it to happen so there ya go!!! 12k words in and we get a kiss!!!!  
> i showed it to my boyfriend and he says this chapter is unrealistic because all they did was kissing....on mdma.... and i mean yea true but ;) patience ;)


	8. eight

When Stefan woke up, he was alone on the couch. He stretched and felt calm for a moment before he realised which day it was. It was friday, and judging by the sun, Stefan was already very late for class. He shot right up out of the couch and started frantically looking for his clothes, but no matter where he looked, he couldn’t find them.

“Shit!” he cursed. He then saw that something had been written on his arm. 

“I am at work. Lock the door when you leave.”

When Colin had written his number on his arm a week ago, Stefan had washed it away the day after. This, he was planning on keeping.

 

Stefan had decided to go to school wearing the clothes that Colin had given him last night. The sweatpants were way too long, so he had rolled them up several times, but he let the sleeves of the shirt hang over his hands, enjoying the feeling of wearing it like that. They smelled like Colin. 

When he came to school there was only one class left, and the panic once again kicked in. He had missed two days in a row but he knew deep within that he thought it had been worth it. He went to the classroom and saw Kitty and Sam outside of it.

“There he is,” Kitty said. She first looked shocked, but then smiled and broke into laughter when she saw what he was wearing. Sam did not understand what was funny, and seemed to not want to understand. He kept intentionally looking away from Stefan, pretending as if he was in a different conversation. 

“Hi,” Stefan greeted, trying to make eye contact with Sam, but he refused.

“So that is why you’re late,” Kitty said. Stefan smiled and blushed while she put a hand on his shoulder. Maybe it was a good reason to be late.

Even though it was only one class, it felt like a million years long. Stefan let his mind drift like usual, going to places that were not exactly appropriate for a school setting. The difference now was that whenever he imagined mr. Wilson demanding that they speak after class with that assertive tone, it wasn’t mr. Wilson. It was Colin demanding that he come over to his house. Colin forcing a pill into his mouth. Colin bending him over his desk and Stefan begging Colin to please tell him he’s a good boy. He imagined Colin undressing him, demanding that he stay that way, admiring every curve of his body, studying the way his body moved. He imagined Colin feeding him again, something Stefan never could have imagined would be so erotic.

The class ended and Stefan wondered whether or not he should go to Colin’s afterwards. It appeared that he didn’t have a choice, however, as his father was standing outside the school building when Stefan got out.

“So you made it to school after all?” Peter said.

Stefan crossed his arms awkwardly and looked at his dad. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, Stefan,” Peter said and pulled Stefan into a hug. Stefan tried to lean into it, he really did, but he just could not get the feeling of comfort that he seeked from his father. They went to the car and Stefan got in. 

“I want you to go to dr. Haynes now,” Peter said. Stefan tried to intervene but Peter interrupted him. “I have already booked an appointment.” Stefan leaned back and sighed. Peter reached a hand over and put it on Stefan’s arm. “It will be good for you.”

Stefan nodded. Maybe he was right. Right now, Stefan felt the world crashing down on him, like a heavy block of concrete was stuck somewhere deep inside and there was no way he could get it out. He wondered if he would ever even be happy again.

He once more nodded off in the car and just like yesterday, his father had to wake him up, this time with a concerned expression. Stefan was met with a sense of deja vu, but this time Colin was nowhere around to rescue him. They entered the building together and Peter reassured Stefan that he would be waiting right there when he got out. Rather than being reassured, Stefan felt annoyed.

That annoyance carried on through his session with dr. Haynes. Even her name seemed dumb. The way she was sipping her tea. Stefan did not try to hide this and dr. Haynes caught on quickly.

“You seem distracted,” she said. “Is there something weighing you down?”

Stefan considered telling her about Sam for a moment but decided strongly against it. She would claim he has abandonment issues because of his mother, Stefan would say nothing, and she would keep asking questions as if it was an interrogation. It was not as if he disliked her. In fact, he actually trusted her. It was just like something was stopping him.

“I don't know,” he said.

“Maybe you do know,” she said. “Maybe you're scared that saying it out loud would make it reality.” As if she could read him. 

“I don't think I have any friends,” he said quietly. “It's not like that's new,” he added before she could say anything again. She simply nodded and looked at him. “It's just hard to be alone.”

“I don't think you are alone, Stefan,” she said. He chuckled at this, once again thinking that there was no way she could read him. “You have a father that loves you.”

“Right,” he raised his eyebrows and nodded sarcastically.

 

When he got out, he got the impulse to go to Colin’s house. It was not far away and it was friday, so no worries of not making it to school the next day. All he could think about was last night's sleepy kiss and the way Colin had held him as he fell asleep. 

“How was it?” his father asked.

“Fine,” Stefan replied, not stopping to speak to him, but leaving the building without as much as a look back. When his father noticed that he was walking in the opposite direction of the car, he grabbed Stefan’s arm. 

“Where are you going?” he said, now with a gentle voice, genuine concern, and Stefan almost felt bad for not caring.

“I’m going to a friend’s house,” he said.

“I don’t like these new friends, Stefan,” Peter said. “You’re skipping class, you’re not eating, you’re never home-”

“Dad, just fuck off!” Stefan shouted in the heat of the moment. He then stood there, not even really knowing where his anger had come from, just feeling hopeless. “I’m sorry, dad, I’m just stressed.”

“Just come home tonight,” his father begged. Stefan nodded, agreeing, and let himself be hugged again. “I’m just worried for you.”

As soon as he let Stefan go, Stefan started walking towards Colin’s house. He was now filled with guilt and anxiety, but the butterflies he got when thinking about what might happen at Colin’s house overpowered them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know why but i love this chapter :')))


	9. nine

The house was empty when he got there. He had looked around each room, taking in all the impressions in the calm of his own mind, and trying to understand who Colin actually was. So far, all Stefan knew was that he worked at Tuckersoft, had enough money to buy a nice brick house, and he gave drugs to eighteen year olds he just met. When he took it all in, he realized that maybe his father actually should be worried. Stefan didn’t care.

He found his old clothes washed and neatly folded on Colin’s desk chair. They now smelled like Colin, and Stefan thought to himself that maybe he shouldn’t wear them anymore, just to keep them smelling like this. He left them there and begun scanning the bookshelf. Just like with the films he owned, the selection of books was wide. Academics, culture and how-to books all mingled on the same shelf.

After a while, Stefan started to worry. It was past 8PM and nobody was around yet. He laid on the living room sofa, turned on the tv and watched the news. Cuddling up in the same corner as they had fallen asleep, he imagined what would be happening if Colin was actually there, rather than somewhere Stefan had no idea about. 

A thought popped up into Stefan’s head. He’s with somebody else. It was irrational and stupid, but Stefan felt that same sting in his chest as before. 

He nodded off in the sofa, thinking about what Colin was doing, hoping he was only working late.

 

“Stefan,” he heard somebody say in a low voice. He opened his eyes, feeling groggy and disoriented as one often does after a nap, and saw Colin sitting beside him. It was completely dark outside now and Stefan sat up immediately.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“About 10PM,” Colin said. 

“Shit, I have to get home,” he said.

“Do you want a ride?” Colin asked and Stefan agreed.

Colin guided him out to his car, an older looking grey audi with a few stickers on the back. Colin opened the passenger seat door for Stefan who got in without a word. Colin seated himself in the driver’s seat and turned on the engine.

“Where were you tonight?” Stefan said.

“I was working late,” Colin said and Stefan felt relief wash over him. 

“Good,” he just said and looked at Colin as he pulled out of the driveway. Colin put his arm against the back of Stefan’s seat and backed out, which in turn made Stefan feel a twitch somewhere deep in his stomach.

“Something happen today?” Colin said.

“I don’t know,” Stefan said and yawned. Why he had felt the need to go to Colin’s house was inexplicable. The need was just there. “I went to my therapist.”

“Therapists are supposed to help you,” Colin said.

“Yes, and she usually does. I’m just tired now.”

Colin hummed, keeping one hand on the steering wheel and left the other on the back of Stefan’s seat. Without even thinking about it, Stefan was overcome with the need to grab Colin’s hand. He guided it to his thigh, where they kept their hands intertwined. Colin did not react. The drive was silent, no music, just their breathing in sync and Stefan feeling the warmth from Colin’s hand in his own. It was peaceful.

“I live just a few blocks away from the bus stop here,” Stefan said and pointed. 

Colin hummed and turned. He drove the few blocks, and Stefan was somewhat disappointed when they stopped outside of Stefan’s house. Colin shut down the engine and turned to look at him. They were silent, just looking at each other, and that simple exchange of looks was enough for Stefan to completely melt. His breath hitched in his throat when Colin removed his hand from Stefan’s, only to put it on the back of his neck and pull him closer. They met in a kiss and Stefan felt so many emotions all at once. Confusion, fear, warmth. Mostly he just felt the butterflies in his stomach and the musky scent of Colin’s cologne. When Colin pulled away, Stefan stayed leaned forward, his hands in his lap, feeling so confused and so good at the same time.

“I’ll see you around,” Colin said. Stefan nodded, feeling like he couldn’t even say anything, too overwhelmed to reply. He got out of the car and walked to his front door. Colin stayed there, watching him from the car, and only when Stefan had opened the door he drove off.

Stefan was surprised to find his father sitting on the sofa. “Was that your new friend?” he said, his eyes not leaving the tv. 

“Erm, yes,” Stefan said, scared that his father had seen their exchange in the car.

“Alright,” Peter said. Without saying goodnight, Stefan went upstairs and laid on his bed. 

In the comfort of his room, he imagined an alternate path where the drive to his house was longer and Stefan was less shy. Colin would not look at Stefan, only paying attention to the road as Stefan leaned over to his lap and unzipped his jeans. Stefan would pull out Colin’s dick, it already being hard and started sucking it as if it was nothing. Colin would give no mind at first, before it became too much and he nestled his hand in Stefan’s hair, pushing him down even more. Stefan might choke a little, but that was all part of it. It would hurt, his mouth being stretched wide open and his breathing completely obstructed. Colin would not allow him to come up for air until he had forced his cum down Stefan’s throat. Then he would pull Stefan up, cum dripping from the sides of Stefan’s mouth, and pet his head.

“Good boy.”

 

In the morning, Stefan’s appetite was back. Ever since he had taken MDMA it had been completely non-existent, so it was a welcome surprise. He had some frosties for once and then bounced up the stairs to his room where he started on some of the homework he hadn’t been doing during the week. 

It was interrupted by a knock on the door. “Come in,” Stefan said, already annoyed as he assumed it was his father. It was not his father who came in, however, but Kitty.

“Hi Stef,” she said and hugged him from behind where he sat at his desk. “I thought we could study together.”

“How did you get in here?” he asked.

“Your dad let me in,” she said.

“Oh,” he said. She was not unwelcome. In fact, he was quite happy that she was there, as he had gotten stuck on a maths question. “Right.”

She helped her solve the problem and they finished their maths homework together, Kitty sitting cross-legged on Stefan’s bed and Stefan sitting turned away at his desk. By the end of it, Stefan felt as if he had used up all the power his brain had to offer, and leaned forward with his hands on his face. Kitty put down her book and looked at him with an amused expression. 

“What?” he laughed.

“You’re still wearing Colin’s clothes,” she said. She was right, and Stefan realised he hadn’t even showered since that night. Stefan blushed.

“Shit,” he said, embarrassed for a moment before he saw Kitty’s expression. 

“Did something happen between you two?” she said as if it was the most normal thing in the world. “Colin won’t tell me anything.”

Stefan smiled to himself, remembering last night when Colin had driven him home. “I-I don’t know. Sort of.”

Kitty smiled, but it faded after just a while. “That’s really good, but I meant what I said. Don’t get too sucked into him. He has that effect on people.” Stefan still wasn’t sure what she meant, but figured that he could probably handle it.

There was another knock on the door, and Stefan sighed before telling his father to come in.

“There is dinner downstairs if you want,” Peter said, barely having the door opened, only letting his head in. 

“Thank you,” Kitty said politely and Stefan realised that it was genuine.

“Yeah,” Stefan said. “Soon.”

Peter smiled at them both before closing the door. 

“He seems nice,” Kitty said.

“Yeah.”

“Do you wanna go down?” 

“No.”

Kitty sighed in frustration and leaned back against Stefan’s bed. They stayed silent for a while before Kitty sat up and walked over to Stefan again. “Alright,” she said and crossed her arms. “I was gonna go to Colin’s tonight if you want to come along.”

Stefan looked up at her apologetically, knowing that whenever his father was involved, he was quite a difficult person to speak with. “I’m sorry,” he said. “And yeah I would like to come along.”

“Of course you would,” she winked. Stefan stood up, put his keys in his pocket and opened the door. When they came downstairs, Peter was smoking a cigarette in the kitchen, looking at them descending from the staircase.

“We’re going to Colin’s,” Stefan said quietly. Peter’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Is that the one from last night?” 

“Yeah,” Stefan said, already putting on his jacket. Peter hummed, showing no signs of approval about this, but Stefan still did not care at all about what his father thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this (while high) made me sooo happy <3 <3 <3 i love it.


	10. ten

During the ride to Colin’s house, Stefan realised something. Kitty was his friend. She had always sort of been there, a constant presence in high school, but they had never actually hung out together. Only when Sam had broadened his horizons had she entered their lives, but even then they had never had anything, just the two of them.

“You know, it’s pretty obvious,” she said. “Sam has this weird need to assert himself. I saw it even before he became all cool and stuff.”

“Yeah,” Stefan said in agreement. “But it was never like this.”

“I suppose so,” she sighed. “It must be hard for you, though.”

“It’s fine,” Stefan said and looked out the window. “We grew apart.”

“That happens,” she said. “At least you’ve got me now. And Colin, of course.”

And Colin, of course.

They arrived at Colin’s house and Kitty picked out the key from underneath the pot. She unlocked the door and they found Colin sitting in the living room, smoking a joint and listening to something that sounded so strange that Stefan had to shake his head. Weird synths and animal sound mixed and mashed, but for some reason it was just so Colin.

“I brought someone with me,” Kitty said and Colin kept his eyes closed.

“I hope it’s not one of those fucking assholes from your school,” Colin said before opening his eyes. To Stefan’s surprise, Colin barely reacted when he saw who it was. “And of course it is one of those.”

“Ha Ha, very funny,” Kitty said and sat down on the sofa. She smiled at Stefan who sat down next to her there, suddenly feeling very out of place.

“What’ve you people been up to today, then?” Colin asked. 

“Doing some homework,” Kitty said and took the joint from Colin. “We were at his house.” She nodded towards Stefan and took a puff. Colin nodded slowly and looked at Stefan with that look that Stefan could not read. He just had to look down at his hands, shy as if it was the first time they had ever met. As if they hadn’t kissed twice already. Kitty handed the joint over to Stefan, who did not hesitate before taking a puff. 

“What is this music?” Stefan asked after coughing out some of the smoke. He took another puff.

“Some classic UmmaGumma,” Colin replied with a smile. “You like it?”

“It’s… weird,” Stefan said. Another song started up. This one had dramatic drums and a tune that went straight to his head. Maybe it was just the weed. “This is better.”

“I thought so,” Colin said and reached for the joint. Stefan gave it to him, their fingers meeting for only the briefest second.

The three of them sat there in the sofa, Stefan gradually returning to that feeling of comfort and safety that he had learned to recognize so well. They laughed and smoked and Stefan felt no pressure to be anything but himself. The only thing was that whenever Colin looked at him directly, he felt so watched. Not in a bad way, just strange. Without anything having been explicitly said out loud, Kitty noticed but kept it to herself. All Stefan noticed was the occasional knowing smile on her part.

After having finished their second joint, Kitty went to the bathroom. Stefan sat there in silence, his head comfortably heavy and vibrations throughout his whole body. Colin smirked and lit a cigarette.

“Having fun, yeah?” Colin said.

“Yeah,” Stefan agreed and could not help but to breathe heavily as he watched Colin smoking that cigarette. His body just looked so loose and comfortable, yet firm as he sat there, looking at him. Even the way his other hand rested loosely on his knee drove him insane.

“Your music is so weird,” Stefan commented.

“What do you listen to then?” Colin said.

“Erm, mostly eighties music,” Stefan said, not really paying attention to the conversation, but more to the way Colin looked at him. There was something hungry in his eyes whenever he looked at Stefan nowadays.

“How about I give you some recommendations,” Colin said and took the pen he seemed to always carry with him out from his pocket. Stefan instinctively moved closer and let Colin roll up the sleeve of his pullover before writing down a few album titles on his forearm. When he was done, Stefan laughed.

“There are papers over there,” he said. Colin nodded.

“Yep,” he said. Stefan started laughing and so did Colin before he put out his cigarette. As if he knew exactly what would happen, Stefan leaned closer, and Colin nestled his hand in Stefan’s hair and pulled him into a kiss. Stefan felt something frantic overcome him and responded to the kiss with such vigour that even Colin was surprised, but didn’t mind at all. In fact, it lead Colin to pull him even closer. It was like he was searching for something in Colin, something that he desperately needed. It was interrupted by a cough coming from he hallway, and they turned to see Kitty standing there.

“Sorry for interrupting,” she laughed. “I’ve gotta get home. Don’t wanna interrupt you anymore.”

“Oh, I should come with,” Stefan said, thinking that then he would have company at least halfway home.

“I can drive you,” Colin said, now leaned back on the sofa.

“Okay,” Stefan said, now nervous. He had no idea what would happen once Kitty had gone and he was alone with Colin.

“Great!” Kitty said. “I’ll see you monday, Stefan.”

They each said their goodbyes and what stood out most to Stefan was how quiet it was suddenly. Like the tension before the fight scene in an action film. Stefan breathed heavily as he watched Colin put in a new CD. When Colin came back to sit on the sofa, he looked at Stefan with that strange look, eyebrows furrowed and something hungry about him.

“Stand up,” he commanded. Stefan felt a weird heat rising within him, but it was not from embarrassment. He had to steady himself before doing as he was told, not even really knowing why he did it or why Colin wanted it. The second he looked down at his hands, trying to avoid Colin’s gaze, Colin coughed. “Look at me.”

Stefan looked at him as he rose from his seat, slowly making his way towards Stefan and putting his hands on his waist. Stefan held his breath as Colin’s hands travelled all the way over his body, to his chest, to the small of his back and down to his butt, all the time keeping eye contact with Stefan. His hands tightened around his butt and Stefan groaned to the delight of Colin. Stefan tried to lean forward to kiss him, but Colin interrupted him by putting a finger in front of Stefan’s lips.

“Patience, love,” he said and Stefan groaned again, so frustrated, feeling his hard-on aching against his thigh. Colin removed his finger and guided Stefan back to the sofa where he laid him down on his back. Colin smirked when he saw his hard-on pressing against the fabric of his pants, and that smirk made his dick twitch, that making Colin’s smirk develop into a full teasing smile. Stefan blushed and looked away, to which Colin hummed. “Look at me.”

Stefan looked at him as his hand reached down, practically shaking with anticipation and frustration. He felt as if even the slightest touch could make him cum at any moment now, but now Colin was reaching his hand down, and Stefan had no time to prepare himself. The feeling of Colin’s warm hand on his dick made him full-on gasp, to which Colin reminded him to keep eye contact. Colin jerked him off slowly, looking at Stefan with that same hungry look, and Stefan just assumed that he looked completely out of it, with red cheeks and huge pupils.

“Oh, fuck,” he moaned when he felt himself getting close to an orgasm after only a minute. He steadied himself, feeling as if every part of his body was cramping up before it all released and Stefan fell into a moaning mess. Colin seemed to enjoy feeling like he had Stefan completely under his control, being able to make him cum any time he wanted.

When Colin sat back up, Stefan felt incredibly aware of the situation. He was lying on his back, still wearing Colin’s clothes - the pants which were now dirty - and Colin looked at him as he wiped his hand off with a tissue. 

“You’re still wearing my clothes, huh?” Colin said. “I’ll just get you a new pair of pants. You stay here.”

When Colin left, Stefan felt satisfied in a way that he hadn’t for a long while. He laughed to himself, shocked at the situation he found himself in, yet happy. It had all gone so fast. How had he even met Colin? It had all become a blur, and even that was a mystery to Stefan. Maybe it was that he had skipped taking his daily pills a few times, but he disregarded that thought and just figured it was that so much had happened in such a short span of time.

“Here you are,” Colin said and handed Stefan a new pair of sweatpants. Stefan took them and without even caring, he took his current ones off, tossed them aside and put on the new ones. Colin sat himself down next to Stefan, placing an arm around Stefan’s shoulder and lighting another cigarette.

“You smoke so much,” Stefan said.

“It’s a bad habit,” Colin said and put down his lighter. “Don’t ever start.”

They sat and chatted about anything, Stefan just letting himself say whatever came into his mind without letting his inhibitions filter what he said. It came so naturally to Colin. It might have been weird to anybody else, but Colin took everything Stefan said with ease, as if he completely understood.

When the sun set, Stefan figured it was about time to head home. Colin agreed and walked him out to the car, opening the passenger seat door for him before sitting himself down on the driver’s seat. Before they drove off, Colin looked at Stefan and Stefan looked back.

“You can always sleep here,” Colin said. “Plenty of room in my bed.”

“Yeah,” Stefan said, now feeling like maybe he missed out on something. “I need to get home though, because otherwise my dad might worry... or something.” Saying that made him feel like a kid and the age difference suddenly felt much bigger.

“I know,” Colin said and put a hand on the back of Stefan’s seat before backing out. When they stopped outside of Stefan’s house, Colin pulled him into a kiss and Stefan didn’t hesitate when he responded to the it. He just melted into it as if he fit perfectly in Colin’s arms. 

“See you around,” Colin said.

“Yeah,” Stefan smiled before kissing Colin just once more and getting out of the car.

Peter was standing leaned against a wall, concerned expression on his face when Stefan entered the house. Stefan stopped to take off his jacket, a bit worried that his father might say anything or that he might have seen him with Colin. When he went to go up the stairs, his father stopped him.

“I don’t want to see you hanging around with that boy again,” he said. Stefan got the feeling that his father had, in fact, seen them, but now he wasn’t embarrassed. He just looked at his father and his father looked back, like some sort of fight for dominance.

“Sure,” Stefan said. “You won’t have to see it.”

Peter took off his glasses and put his fingers on the bridge of his nose, like he didn’t know how to approach the topic. Stefan had grown apathetic to it and walked past him.

“Stefan,” his father said, trying to stop him, but Stefan kept walking, not even looking back.

He slammed his door shut and laid on his bed. The feeling of Colin’s hand down his pants had left an imprint on his mind, and anytime he wanted, Stefan could remember the feeling exactly. The feeling of Colin’s lips on his own. 

He fell asleep quickly that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me and my boyfriend broke up today so updates might be slower and also i dont believe in love anymore so yall can look forward to some ANGST!!!!


	11. eleven

The next week was a blur to Stefan. He went to school, Sam ignored him, and Kitty wasn’t there. He had not heard anything from Kitty nor from Colin, and he had been left in his thoughts and his own mind. The pills had sat on the bathroom counter, untouched every morning, waiting for Stefan to pick them up, but he never did. He had simply forgotten them, he told himself, but the truth was that he didn’t want to take them. Without them, his mind was clearer and the trance he entered in school was somewhat more bearable.

Kitty was nowhere to be seen wednesday either. Stefan wandered the familiar corridors, earphones always plugged in and UmmaGumma on repeat. It comforted him somehow. The chaos in the music made the chaos in his mind make sense. The clarity he had reached comforted him too in a strange way. He grew creative, always making up scenarios in his mind during class. Most of them involved Colin, but some of them still involved mr. Wilson. Somehow he had morphed into some weird mix of himself and Colin. 

He was only pulled out of his trance when he had gotten home, awoken by his father’s realism. It was like a new routine. Stefan locked himself in his room, Peter knocked and offered dinner, Stefan refused, and Peter brought up food for him, which Stefan left untouched on his desk. He knew it was bad, very well aware of the fact that he had already lost weight and his ribs were now visible as soon as he stretched even the slightest bit. He just couldn’t bring himself to eat.

Stefan was lonely. He had always been a loner but he had never been so utterly ignored by someone as he was right now. Not even a phone call. Stefan started wondering whether he had done something wrong or not.

He figured it was fine, anyway. He was used to it. 

Thursday passed calmly as well, no sign of Kitty. During lunch he sat and watched as Sam spoke and laughed with a group of people that Stefan could not describe as anything but the ‘cool kids’. Stefan felt silly even thinking that. It just hurt him, even though he tried to tell himself that it was normal and he didn’t need Sam. He had Kitty, or so he had thought.

Friday morning and Stefan woke up with that same pang of anxiety as before, but it quickly developed into irritation. Nobody had come to check up on him, nobody had bothered to think about him, and he was left alone all week. In the bathroom, he looked in the mirror, lifted up his shirt and touched the ribs that were now prominently poking out of his skin. He scoffed, knowing that nobody really cared anyway. He looked at the pills for a second, almost laughing at the thought of taking them, and went downstairs.

Peter was sitting in his usual spot, eating his usual breakfast, reading his usual newspaper, and even that provoked Stefan. He shook his head and figured that he should at least try to have some breakfast. He grabbed his frosties and sat down at the table.

“Good morning,” Peter said, looking up from the newspaper. “Slept well?”

“Yep,” Stefan said and took a bite. It felt like the flakes were hard, like biting down on gravel, and he had to force himself to swallow them.

“I’m glad you’ve been staying home a lot this week,” Peter said.

“Yep,” Stefan repeated, now forcing himself to take another bite. Peter put down the newspaper and looked at Stefan with a concerned expression.

“Is something the matter?”

“I’m fine,” Stefan said through his teeth. Peter took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose in that same annoying way that he had done when he had told Stefan that he didn’t want to see him with Colin.

“It’s obvious that you’re not fine. I think you should visit dr. Haynes today after school.”

“I said I’m fine,” Stefan said, anger bubbling up in his chest. He now didn’t even care about forcing the frosties down his throat. It just felt so wrong.

“You’re not,” Peter said sternly. “I am your father, and I am telling you that you are going to see dr. Haynes this afternoon.”

Stefan put down his spoon and looked at his father with a look that conveyed nothing but absolute distaste. His father kept the same stern expression, pursed lips, their battle for dominance still evidently ongoing.

“I’m telling you that I’m not,” Stefan said. “You can’t force me.”

“Yes I can,” Peter said. “You’re still living under my roof, in my house. You do as you’re told.”

Stefan breathed harshly, attempting to calm himself down, but to no avail. He decided that what was best was to rise from his seat and leave, as he had no idea what he might do if he stayed and listened to his father for even a moment longer. He tried to leave but it was interrupted by Peter.

“You’re not leaving,” Peter said, a command rather than a request.

“Just fuck off!” Stefan shouted, this time with no guilt. His patience had been tested enough times by now. Peter sat there, looking stunned as Stefan left the house.

What was even the point of going to school, Stefan thought to himself and wondered where he should go. All he knew was that he was angry and he didn’t want to see his father for at least a few hours. That anger bled out and he started to think about Colin. Why hadn’t he tried to contact him? Where was Kitty? It made no sense. Stefan had thought that the three of them had developed something. Before, Stefan had never let himself even think it, but in his anger he did. He had thought that Colin liked him, and not as a friend. When he thought back to it, it was quite obvious that he did, and Stefan did too. Then why would he be ignoring him like this? 

In that anger, he decided to go to Colin’s house. If he wasn’t home, Stefan would wait there. He demanded an explanation. 

On the bus ride, he managed to calm himself down a little bit. Maybe actually Colin didn’t like him, and that’s why he hadn’t heard from him. He pondered whether or not to go to school himself before realising that he was close to Colin’s house anyway, and seeing Sam act all cool with those other kids might make that intense anger resurface.

Suddenly he found himself standing outside of Colin’s house, key in hand, ready to enter. Was he really doing this?

Now or never, he thought and put in the key. To his surprise, he found the door unlocked. When he entered he couldn’t see Colin in the sofa. Stefan walked up the stairs and to the bedroom, where he found Colin sitting at the desk, deeply focused on programming with some big earphones on. It took him a full minute to realise Stefan was there, and when he did notice, he gave almost no reaction, but took off his headphones.

“I’m working,” he simply said to Stefan. He put the headphones back on turned back to his work.

“I can see that,” Stefan said. The irritation of being ignored grew inside of him again. Colin didn’t even acknowledge his response, fully focused on something that wasn’t him. Stefan coughed to get his attention, but that didn’t work either. He opted to walk into the room, stood beside Colin for a little moment, before he pulled his headphones off.

“I said I’m working,” Colin said, now sounding annoyed. “It’s not a good time. Just go downstairs.”

“No,” Stefan said. “You’ve been ignoring me all week.”

“To be fair, you haven’t contacted me either,” Colin said. It was true, but as Colin had said, Stefan felt he needed a formal invitation. It did not seem so obvious at the time, however, now that Stefan was standing there, interrupting Colin’s work rather than going to school. This irritation was something Stefan had never seen in Colin before. It was somewhat scary, but for some reason that Stefan couldn’t pinpoint, it made him want to get his attention even more. 

Colin scoffed at Stefan’s lack of response and proceeded to try to put his headphones back on, but Stefan grabbed them before he had the chance. He snatched them from him and went to the other side of the room, insisting of getting Colin’s attention.

Colin sighed and stood up. “Give them back,” he said.

“Not without and explanation,” Stefan insisted.

“I told you, I’ve been working,” Colin said, this time with more force, and Stefan felt a weird sense of excitement rise within him. The whole situation was so strange, but Stefan couldn’t stop.

“Not until now,” Stefan said. “You can’t leave me hanging like that.”

Colin stepped forward, towering over Stefan, and Stefan realized that he hadn’t noticed before just how much taller Colin was that himself. He gulped, now feeling a strange sensation of fear, but it wasn’t bad. If anything, it was exciting. Colin seemed to notice this, but his anger never faded.

“You are such a little brat,” he hissed and grabbed the headphones from Stefan’s hands, then tossed them on the bed. “Did your daddy never teach you manners?”

It all happened so fast. Colin pushed Stefan against the wall with such ferocity that Stefan felt dizzy, overwhelmed and just so good. He kissed him like a wild animal hunting a helpless deer, like he was starving, like he wanted to consume Stefan whole. Stefan responded to it and became even dizzier when Colin unbuttoned Stefan’s pants, pulling them down in one quick motion before biting down hard on Stefan’s neck, most for sure leaving a bruise that his father would be able to see. Stefan internally smirked at that, but he had no time to think about it, as Colin was pulling down his own pants.

“I’m going to teach you,” he said, just as angry as before, and pushed Stefan down on his bed. Colin turned Stefan over to his stomach and he felt in a trance, like he had entered a parallel universe where his dreams would all come true and he would finally feel that inferiority that he so craved. Colin grabbed something that looked like a bottle from his nightstand and squirted some on his hand, which he then quickly reached down and put all around Stefan’s hole. He inserted a finger and Stefan could barely keep himself steady as all the sensations came at him at once. Colin kept fingering Stefan for a solid minute, taking in every little toss and turn that Stefan did. He put his other hand on the back of Stefan’s head, forcing it down into the pillow, before forcing Stefan up on his knees, face still buried.

The next thing that happened was so overwhelming that Stefan felt that he could have passed out right then and there. He felt Colin enter him in one quick motion. It hurt a lot, but the good outweighed the bad. Without checking in to see how Stefan was doing, Colin started thrusting into him quickly. Stefan held on to the sheets for dear life, feeling disoriented, dizzy, and dominated. Colin’s hands reached for Stefan’s neck and he grabbed ahold of it tightly, almost not allowing Stefan to breathe, but Stefan loved every second of it.

Colin leaned over and bit his neck again, still fucking him good and hard.

“Don’t interrupt me again,” he said before he pushed Stefan’s head down again, now thrusting even harder and faster. Stefan reached down for his dick and found that it was insanely hard. It didn’t take him long before he came, clamping down hard on Colin who muttered a few curse words before he came inside Stefan. Stefan collapsed on the bed as soon as he pulled out, feeling exhausted from that short session. Colin stood up, pulled up his pants like it was nothing and grabbed his headphones. He looked at Stefan for a moment, watching his pathetic self crawl up into a sitting position and looking back at Colin. Hair disheveled, cheeks red and his pants still down.

“I’m going back to work,” Colin said. He was about to sit down at his desk again when he saw Stefan looking at him, eyes big and tired, like a lost little puppy. He chose to sit down on the bed and gave Stefan a kiss before he went to sit down at his desk again, putting on his headphones and turning his music up high.

Stefan sat there, looking at Colin. He felt so confused, so torn up, but at the same time so tired and warm, shaking, but not from the cold. He slowly pulled his pants back up and got underneath the covers. He watched Colin with fascination until he passed out in the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i just nutted!!!!!!!!!!!ive waited so long to write this!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> anyway thanks yall for being so wonderful<3 you cant even imagine how lit it feels to wake up to new comments and kudos. bless yalls souls YEE FUCKING HAW


	12. twelve

Stefan spent that weekend at Colin’s house, only going home on saturday to pick up clothes. He had ignored his father’s pleas to stay and hurried back out to Colin, where he was standing, smoking a cigarette by the car. Colin had looked at Peter with a cryptic look, surely to make Peter feel even more uneasy than he already did. For some reason it made Stefan happy.

They showered together. Stefan had never before seen Colin’s naked body like that. Pure and vulnerable, as he covered his back in soap. Stefan had always been so into the thought of being studied like this, and was surprised at himself when he just as much loved admiring Colin’s body. His long legs, his broad shoulders and the way he carried himself all worked together to create something so irresistible to Stefan. When he told Stefan to turn around, he did as he was told, no question asked. Colin touched him anywhere and everywhere, covering him in soap before washing both of them off with the hot water.

When they came out of the shower, they had sex in Colin’s bed. This time, it was calm. There was no rush and no anger. Colin was gentle until Stefan groaned in frustration, clearly wanting more. Then Colin took charge, wrapped his hands around Stefan’s neck and pounded into him hard and quick. It sent such intense waves of shivers throughout Stefan’s body, his legs twitching, and Colin enjoyed every second of it. They both came and Stefan put his head on Colin’s chest, his wet hair making Colin’s chest wet as well, but neither of them cared.

Colin explained that Kitty had been sick that week. She had apparently caught some virus. It made Stefan feel so relieved that he didn’t have to worry about Kitty not liking him anymore. He didn’t even have to worry about Colin. For the first time in the longest while, Stefan felt calm and at peace.

There was something bugging him in the back of his mind, however. Reality was distorted. He imagined Colin saying things he had never said. He imagined the duvet suffocating him when Colin held him in place underneath it. It was not enough to cause great concern, so Stefan gave it no mind.

“You should probably head home today,” Colin remarked, smoking a cigarette on his porch in the late sunday afternoon. They had just cooked together, something Stefan wasn’t entirely used to doing, shared the same plate, as Colin had fed him. Stefan was sitting on the wooden floor between Colin’s legs, feeling the sun on his face, enjoying the feeling that summer was soon to come.

“Why?” Stefan said.

“You’ve got school tomorrow,” Colin said. “Don’t want to distract you from that.”

Stefan scoffed. “I don’t want to go.”

“Then I will force you to.”

“You sound like my dad,” Stefan said, crossing his arms. “Give me a cigarette.”

“You’re not allowed to have one,” Colin teased. Stefan groaned in frustration before Colin reached over and gave him one. “Kitty will be there.”

Stefan let Colin light the cigarette and took a puff. By now, it seemed that he had gotten used to the unnatural sensation of smoke in his lungs. “That would make it better.”

Colin hummed and put a hand on Stefan’s head. He played with Stefan’s hair as he finished his cigarette in a comfortable silence, Stefan now feeling no need to cough. By half the cigarette though, he started feeling a weird metallic taste in his mouth and reached it over to Colin who took it and put it out on the ashtray.

“I’ll drive you,” Colin said and stood up. He took Stefan’s hand and pulled him up. “Come on.”

Stefan followed him through the house and out to the car, where Colin let Stefan’s hand go to open the door for him. Stefan got in and Colin sat himself down in the driver’s seat. Stefan pulled his knees up to his chest and sat that way throughout the car ride. Colin had put on music and let the windows be open to let the warm may air in. It was almost becoming too warm to wear a jacket by that time and it was very welcome on Stefan’s part.

Colin left the car to say goodbye to Stefan. Stefan didn’t care if his father saw it, either. In fact, he almost wanted him to see it. 

“How long until I will see you again?” Stefan said, standing close to Colin who was leaning against the car.

“That’s up to you,” Colin said.

“Then don’t go,” Stefan whined. Colin laughed and pet Stefan’s hair.

“Come over when you don’t have school,” Colin said. “I’ll be at the office this week.”

Stefan nodded and gave him one last kiss goodbye before walking inside. 

 

In the bright office of dr. Haynes, Stefan felt out of place. To him, there was no reason he was there anymore. He was practically free of delusions and he felt clearer than ever before, but of course, his father had forced him there. She kept talking to him, which Stefan perceived as her totally grilling him about how he was feeling. If he was having any delusions. About why he thinks his father is making him talk to her.

“I feel normal,” he said, shrugging. “I don’t know why I’m being forced here. I’m fine.”

“It can always be beneficial to talk about things,” she said. “Even if you feel well now, the delusions can come back.”

“Sure.”

“Think harder.”

Stefan sighed, releasing his shoulders from where he had pulled them up to his ears. It felt so good and he breathed out fully before he looked at dr. Haynes. Even if he didn’t have to be completely truthful, a bit of the truth was okay to share.

“The last weeks I’ve just felt like in a blur,” he said. “As soon as I enter school, I leave. Like I don’t remember anything.”

“It sounds like you’re dissociating,” she said. “You are still taking your medicine?”

“Yes, obviously,” Stefan said, sounding snappier than usual. He coughed and tried to will away the weird feeling of anger within him.

“Okay,” she nodded. “Well, we want to nip this in the bud before you start to entertain serious delusions. I’ll be upping the dosage slightly,” she said. Stefan nodded slowly, knowing that he wouldn’t be taking them anyway. “If this dissociation gets worse, or if you start having delusions, do not hesitate to call me. You know the number.”

“Okay,” he said and left the room. 

“How was it?” his father asked, jerking awkwardly as if he had been listening in on Stefan and dr. Haynes’ conversation.

“It was fine,” Stefan snapped, annoyed at this same conversation that he was forced to have after his every meeting when the therapist.

“Why are you so angry nowadays?” Peter said in an accusatory tone as they walked to the car together.

“I’m not,” Stefan said.

“It’s that Colin fellow, isn’t it?” 

Stefan didn’t say anything and sat himself down in the car, crossing his arms over his chest. His father looked away and shook his head before he turned on the car. The drive was completely silent and in that moment, Stefan wished he could be literally anywhere else.

He got out of the car and tried to run upstairs, but his father stopped him as soon as they had entered the front door.

“I saw you last night,” he said. “I have told you, I do not want to see you with that boy again.”

“Sure, I’ll hide it better,” he muttered and tried to sneak past, put Peter stopped him.

“You shouldn’t be friends with him,” Peter said.

“I get it,” Stefan said. “I know what you think. You think it’s sissy. Like when I was a kid and you didn’t allow me to have Rabbit.”

“No, Stefan-”

“Why is it so taboo for you? I bet mom already knew I was gay before you killed her,” he spat. “And now you think that you can stop me from being who I am-”

“I don’t care about that,” Peter shouted with such power that Stefan couldn’t speak. “I don’t care. What I care about is that he is making you skip school, that he is too old for you and that you are not taking your pills.”

“I am taking them-”

“Stefan, the bottle has not gotten any lighter for two weeks now,” Peter said and sighed. He had to sit down, took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose in such a way typical for him. Stefan would normally have been annoyed by it, but now he realised that his father truly paid attention to what he was doing. There was no getting out of this.

“I-I’m sorry,” he said quietly. 

“No, I know, Stefan,” Peter said and to his surprise, Stefan saw tears coming from his eyes, something he hadn’t seen since that awful day thirteen years ago. 

He was suddenly brought back to it. That strange sound that had come out of his father. More like a wail that a cry, something like a ghost rather than a human. Peter had never been the same after he had found his wife hanging by her neck in their bedroom.

“You have to take your pills,” Peter begged.

“I know,” Stefan said and stood there for a moment, just looking, not knowing what to do.

“If not for me, or for yourself, then do it for your mother,” he said, not letting his crying affect the assertive tone in his voice.

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“Off you go,” Peter said, clearly not wanting his son seeing him in such a vulnerable state.

Stefan complied and walked up the stairs. Instead of going into his room, he went to the bathroom and stared at his pill bottle. He picked it up, took out two pills and really thought about it. The longer he stared at them, the more they looked unnatural, like two worms crawling around his palm, alarming colours flashing and showing that they were not to be eaten.

Stefan dropped them on the floor in horror before realising what he had just done. In a hurry, he went to pick them up, careful not to leave any traces. 

He put them in the toilet and flushed. He would take them later. For now, the illusion was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is legit one of my fave chapters!!!


	13. thirteen

Stefan did actually follow Colin’s orders and stayed away from him until friday when he had no school. His father would be out for the night, as his sister was in town and they would go out for dinner together. Thus, Stefan didn’t worry about coming home too late. He had, however, said that he expected Stefan to be home. Stefan’s plan was to go home if he really felt up for it, which meant that he would only go home if Colin forced him to. 

It was as if he was starving to be with Colin by friday, and hurried to his house when his last class had ended. When he entered the house, Colin was looking through his CDs with a cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth.

“Hi Stefan,” he said without looking up. 

“What are you doing?” Stefan asked and took off his jacket, putting it on a chair.

“Looking for UmmaGumma,” he said.

“Oh,” Stefan said, now embarrassed. “I took it.”

Colin looked back at him with eyebrows furrowed. “You sneaky little bastard.” He picked up a different record and put it in. “This is good too.”

Stefan listened as a soft tune started playing. It was more melodious than what Colin usually played and Stefan recognized it somewhere from his childhood. It brought him back to being driven around in his father’s car, mum waiting at home with dinner ready made. 

Stefan sat down on the sofa.

“This is nice,” he said.

“Thought you’d like it,” Colin said and sat down beside him, putting an arm around his shoulder. “Do you want to smoke?”

Stefan had never been asked if he wanted to smoke weed before. Every single time he had smoked before, he had simply been forced to, and he had complied. Today, he felt as if the weighed down feeling and the strange feeling of comfort was a bit too heavy. He wanted to say no, but Colin’s expression showed that he himself wanted to.

“Sure,” Stefan said, but Colin shook his head.

“It’s your choice,” he said. 

Stefan paused for a moment. “I don’t though, do I?”

Colin smirked. “Nobody has as much of a choice as they think,” he said. “And I don’t think you appreciate having a choice, Stefan.”

It was true and Stefan knew it, but it still provoked him. He bit his lip and crossed his arms, looking away from Colin. “How would you know?”

Colin moved his hand from Stefan’s shoulder to grab his hair instead in a hard yanking motion. He forced Stefan to look at him and Stefan, like so many times before by now, felt a weird twitch and a heat rising in his cheeks. “Because I know you. I’ve known you many times before. Never once have you wanted a choice.”

Colin released him and Stefan sank back into a feeling of being watched, being read. Not uncomfortable, but not comfortable either. It felt dangerous and Stefan wanted it so bad.

“Do you have alcohol?” Stefan asked and Colin hummed in response. “I want to try it.”

“I see,” Colin said. “Not my drug of choice, but I have some.”

“Can you give it to me?”

“Bit boring,” Colin said and pet Stefan’s hair, right where he had just yanked it. 

“I have never been drunk,” Stefan said and laughed. 

“And so you want to try it?” Colin replied. “Well, each to their own.” He went and opened the cabinet, within it finding several different bottles. “I’ve got some vodka, some scotch, some…. Kahlua,” he said almost shamefully.

“That’s gay,” Stefan laughed. 

“Let’s get you some vodka, just for that,” Colin chuckled and grabbed the vodka bottle. He poured a shot for Stefan and scooted it closer to him, eyebrows raised and leaning back with an amused expression. Stefan looked at Colin as he picked up the shot and attempted to take it all at once. A burning sensation spread through his throat and it felt like not only that, but his entire chest burned. Swallowing the vodka just felt so unnatural, like it went against all the laws of the world.

“Fuck,” he managed to cough up. Colin chuckled and poured him another shot. Stefan finished coughing and looked at Colin in disbelief. “Really?”

“You don’t want the choice,” Colin said. Stefan looked into his eyes, trying desperately to read him but he simply could not. It felt so unfair that Colin seemed to know absolutely everything while Stefan understood absolutely nothing. At the same time, Colin was right. He didn’t want the choice. He didn’t want to understand.

He wanted to be controlled.

 

By 9PM, Stefan was more than drunk. He was stumbling around Colin’s living room, looking at the CDs and bragging about the fact that he had managed to steal one of Colin’s most treasured ones. Colin stayed seated, smoking the joint he had offered Stefan earlier by himself and looking at Stefan, a highly amused smile playing on his lips. Stefan tried to ignore it. What mattered was that he felt good at the moment.

“Come here,” Colin said and pulled Stefan onto his lap. “Have a puff.” Colin put the joint between Stefan’s lips and Stefan took in the smoke. Colin held it there for longer than Stefan would have chosen himself, resulting in him taking a huge puff, bigger than he could actually manage. When Colin removed it, Stefan started coughing but was comforted by Colin’s hand on the back of his head. “Good boy.”

Stefan looked at Colin, cheeks red and hair disheveled. Colin always looked so composed. No matter what substances Stefan had seen him on, he had always looked put together, confident. As if he was an ethereal being untouched by the earth. In that moment, Stefan felt as if he had met Colin before. In one of his books, maybe, but it felt like it was more than that.

“Colin, have we met before?” Stefan asked.

“That doesn’t have a straightforward answer,” Colin said and took a puff, before forcing the joint between Stefan’s lips again. Stefan did what Colin wanted and took a puff himself. “There are other timelines, Stefan. In most of them, we will have met. Do you remember what I told you about determinism?” Stefan nodded. “That stays true. However, when you become aware of it, you can control it. You just have to become aware of it, and that’s the hard part.”

Stefan didn’t quite understand, but accepted it nonetheless.

“Colin, who are you?” Stefan asked, not really understanding what he even meant with the question, but Colin understood somehow.

“You know who I am,” Colin said. Stefan nodded, now feeling somewhat dizzy and nauseous. “You should be getting home.”

Stefan didn’t want to, but he would much rather listen to Colin that to any of his own thoughts. There was something so freeing about letting somebody else make his decisions. He didn’t only want to be controlled. He needed to be controlled.

“Let’s get going then,” Colin said and put out the joint. Stefan stood up and was lead by Colin to the car, his hand in Colin’s. He looked up at him like he was a god, or something much more sinister. Suddenly, Stefan realised how he had met Colin before.

Colin was the thief of destiny, and Stefan had chosen to worship him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hooooooo shiiiiiieeeeeeeetttt biiiiiiitch....
> 
> update on my personal life: a dude i had a crush on 3 years ago hit me up as soon as my relationship status changed. how the tables have turned


	14. fourteen

The drive home was strange. Stefan felt shocked at his realisation, but said nothing, and just looked at Colin like he had just seen god. He was sure he had.

“You’re thinking about something,” Colin said when he pulled into Stefan’s driveway. 

“Do you know what’s going to happen?” Stefan said, never pulling his eyes away from Colin.

Colin snorted. “I know what you want to happen.” The car stopped and Colin turned to look at Stefan. 

“Come inside,” Stefan begged. “My dad’s not home. Just for a little bit.”

“I will.”

It was strange to see Colin in his house. He looked so out of place in such a standard house, sort of like it would feel to see a lion in the city. Not uncomfortable, but strange. It made Stefan feel somewhat good, feeling like he was getting revenge on his father somehow. He had won, now. Stefan showed the way up to his room, where Colin promptly approached the desk. Unfinished homework was scattered all over it. Plates of unfinished food laid around. Stefan felt uncomfortable showing it to Colin, afraid that Colin would think less of him, but he just seemed to be amused.

“You’ve gone right down the hole,” Colin said. It almost provoked Stefan. It was as if Colin didn’t know that it was his own fault, but Stefan knew for a fact that he knew. In fact, at this point, he just assumed that Colin knew everything. 

“I thought that’s what you wanted,” Stefan half-teased, half-accused.

“What was that?” Colin said. There was no teasing tone, no amusement, and it scared Stefan. It scared him in the best way possible, and he never wanted it to stop.

“It’s your fault,” Stefan said, and Colin looked at him the same way that he had looked at him the first time that he had fucked him. Excitement crept up his stomach and to his throat, and as did Colin’s hand. It tightened around Stefan’s neck.

“Who am I?” Colin asked.

“Pax,” Stefan said.

With that, Colin pushed him down on the bed. He frantically pulled his clothes off, getting Stefan completely naked before he pulled his pants down. Stefan watched with excitement as Colin leaned over him, grabbed his neck again and kissed him with something furious about him. Colin put two fingers in Stefan’s mouth and pushed down further than Stefan really would have liked, but it was not a problem. He loved the feeling of being so utterly dominated. He loved the lack of choice. Colin took his fingers out and moved them to Stefan’s ass. Without a warning he put them in, slowly pushing them in and out and watching as Stefan’s facial expression contorted into something so beautifully pained. It was wave after wave of intense pleasure before Colin removed his fingers.

Colin turned him around and propped him up on his knees before he forced his dick inside. Stefan let out a loud moan, knowing that there was no need to hold it in anyway. Colin loved it. Colin would go harder. He started thrusting quickly and put his hands on Stefan’s hips, forcing him to push back. Shivers spread throughout his body and he thought that he had never before felt such intense pleasure. 

It wasn’t only the physical sensation, but it was something else, too.

Suddenly Stefan heard the front door open and he was pulled out of his trance. 

“Shit, that’s my dad,” he whispered and expected Colin to pull out, or at the very least stop, but no such thing happened.

“Mhm,” Colin hummed as his only response.

“Stop,” Stefan said and tried to push Colin back with his hand. Colin just grabbed the hand and pinned it down on the mattress, before he started fucking him even harder and faster. Stefan accepted his fate as he heard his father’s steps coming up the stairs.

There was a knock on the door.

“Stefan, are you in there?” he could hear his father say. Stefan panicked internally, knowing for a fact that he hadn’t locked the door, and Colin wasn’t stopping. In fact, he looked quite amused about how frightened Stefan looked. 

“Don’t come in,” he managed to say, his voice shaky. “I’m just changing.”

“Alright,” Peter said. “Your aunt is downstairs. Come and say hello.”

Colin pounded into him hard and Stefan could no longer hold himself up, arching his back, as he let out a small moan. The squeaking of the bed suddenly became so apparent to him. “Yeah, just wait a minute!”

He heard his father leave and breathed out in relief. Colin slowed down a little bit, but started going a little bit harder. Stefan chuckled to himself, his face red and sweaty, his mind blank but excited. What if his father had walked in?

Colin let go of his hand and moved it to his hair. He pulled it hard enough for Stefan to wince. He wanted it so bad. So bad that he thought he would cum at any moment without having touched his dick once.

Colin started going faster but in a less coordinated way, and Stefan guessed that he was about to cum. Stefan filled with excitement of even the thought, and came without even thinking about it. It just happened. He moaned louder than he would have wanted, and Colin moved his hand to instead cover Stefan’s mouth. Even just that turned him on. It didn’t take much longer before Colin came as well, and they both collapsed on the bed. 

“How about we go downstairs and talk to daddy?” Colin said. Stefan cursed. He had in his pleasure forgotten about his father and aunt waiting for him downstairs. How could he possibly explain Colin’s presence? 

“Just one minute.”

“‘Course. You look a mess.”

“Piss off.”

Colin laughed and stood up. He pulled up his pants and buttoned them. He then picked up Stefan's clothes and threw them onto the bed as a way to urge Stefan to put them on. He didn't know why but that gave him the feeling that Colin was desperate to leave as quickly as possible.

“Come on then,” Colin said and Stefan realised that he didn't want to leave - he wanted to see Stefan's father. 

“Okay,” Stefan agreed and put his clothes on. It was nerve-wracking and at the same time so exciting. He knew that his father would be mad, but he refused to let his father win their battle for dominance. Stefan was going to win. This time, Stefan was the one to grab Colin's hand and lead him downstairs.

They found Peter and his sister standing by the counter in the kitchen, each with a glass of red wine in their hands. They were speaking loudly and laughing occasionally at something the other said, and Stefan realised that both of them were just as drunk as Stefan himself.

“Oh, Stefan!” his aunt said as soon as she saw him. She put down her glass and gave him a big hug. “You've grown so much, honey.”

“Yeah,” he said and looked away from her to see his father staring at Colin, something dark about him now.

“And who is this?” she said, still smiling, not noticing the strange atmosphere.

“I'm Colin,” he said and shook her hand.

“Hello, Colin,” Peter said and reached out a hand for Colin to shake. He still looked just as suspicious when Colin grabbed his hand and shook it.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Colin said. “You did a great job on your son.” Stefan tried his very hardest not to laugh, and his face was turning more and more red each second that passed.

“Pleasure,” Peter said sharply.

“Let's go,” Stefan said and grabbed Colin's arm, trying to pull him away. Colin complied, but not before giving one last nod goodbye to Peter and his sister. Stefan's aunt said goodbye with a smile as Stefan and Colin left the house.

“That was fun,” Colin said and lit a cigarette.

“To you, maybe,” Stefan said.

“It was,” he said and took a puff from the cigarette. 

He pulled Stefan closer and kissed him hard. When he pulled away, he looked at Stefan like he knew that he was controlling him. Like he needed to control him.

“Okay,” Stefan said.

He had surrendered to Colin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess whos turning 20 today??? me bitch!!! you know what that means??? im legally allowed to buy alcohol in my country BIIIIITCH!!!!!! guess whos getting lit?????????? NOT ME BECAUSE I HAVE WORK TOMORROW!!!


	15. fifteen

When monday came around, Stefan had started to feel tired. It was like a wet blanket had been draped over his head and his sight, his mind and his entire body felt limited. That same clarity that the absence of the pills had given him had been replaced with a haze. However, he still refused to take them. There was something limiting about them. He refused to be bound.

His father had not forced him to go to dr. Haynes again. As far as he knew, Stefan was still taking his pills, since the bottle was getting lighter every day. Stefan had stuck to flushing them down the toilet every day and to his surprise, it had worked. He knew it was wrong, but he didn’t care.

When Colin was there, he didn’t even think about it. Colin didn’t even know about it. Stefan thought that just maybe, Colin would be mad if he knew. So far, everytime Colin had been mad, it had ended up with him fucking Stefan, so he figured that it was not that bad. It was an irrational thought, but he thought that maybe Colin liked him more without the pills. 

“What will you have for breakfast?” Peter asked when he came downstairs. He looked like he was trying his very hardest to act normal around Stefan, his shoulders tense and his eyes far more open than what was normal.

“I’ll get it myself,” Stefan smiled, mimicking the far-too-open-eyed expression his father had. He walked to the cabinet and pulled out some frosties and sugar puffs, which he promptly mixed in one big bowl before adding milk. His father scoffed but said nothing.

“Who is Colin?” his father asked after more than just a few moments of silence. Stefan didn’t even mind, he found himself thinking. There was nothing to hide, and if his father disapproved, he would go to Colin’s. In that moment, he was sure Colin would be okay with that.

“He’s my friend,” Stefan smiled and took a big bite. His bowl was almost empty. “He works at Tuckersoft.” His father looked confused. “Oh, Tuckersoft is a video game company.”

“I see,” Peter said and sat in silence. Stefan kept looking at him, smiling, expecting nothing in return. “How old is Colin?”

“He is twenty-three.”

“Isn’t that a bit old?”

Stefan laughed out loud. “A bit too old for what?”

“I’m not daft, Stefan,” he said, sincere expression. Stefan almost felt guilty about finding it so funny. 

“Probably,” Stefan admitted. The haze he had felt earlier during the morning was fading away. Now that wonderful clarity was back.

“Promise that you will take care of yourself,” Peter sighed. 

“Of course,” Stefan smiled before he stood up. “Well, I’m off to school.”

 

During his school hours, he started to feel weirder and weirder. To begin with, he had entered his normal haze which had been interrupted by Kitty. She was asking way too many questions. He found himself getting annoyed, but when he thought about it, he realised that she had probably not even asked that many questions. 

“Are you a thing then?” she finished off with, leaning her head against Stefan’s shoulder as they sat outside, sharing a cigarette during lunch break.

“I have no idea,” Stefan admitted, knowing full and well that they had never even talked about anything like that. They had just been together.

“Why don’t you just talk to him about it?” Kitty asked.

“Why should I need to?” Stefan countered. 

“It’ll make it easier.”

“No way it’ll make it any easier,” Stefan said and took the cigarette from her hand. She lifted her head from his shoulder as Stefan took a puff. 

“Are you angry or something?”

“No,” he said. It wasn’t entirely true. However, it wasn’t really anger. It was some strange anxiety, but it was far worse than any anger. In just the last ten minutes, it had gone from a wet blanket to wet insides. He felt that he was filling up. He might just explode at any moment.

“You could always choose to make it easier on yourself,” she said.

“I never get to choose,” he said, confusing Kitty.

“What are you on about?” she said. When she didn’t get a response, she seemed to get worried. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he lied at first, but then realised that there was no point in lying to her. “I just feel a bit weird.”

“I can see that.”

They finished their cigarette together. When it was a few minutes until next class, they started walking inside. However, Stefan could not. He simply could not walk inside. He stood outside the doors, his body refusing to comply, even though his mind was screaming at it to just walk inside, go to class.

“Aren’t you coming?” Kitty said on the doorstep.

“No,” Stefan said, but he didn’t want to. Something was just telling him to say no, to get away from here. “I just don’t feel well. I’ll be going home.”

“I get it,” Kitty said and hugged him tightly. He could never get used to how tight her hugs were.

“Bye,” he said and turned his back to her quickly.

His body was guiding him more than his mind. It took him onto the bus and homewards. It made him put on Depeche Mode on his iPod, and absent-mindedly wondered where he got a Depeche Mode record. Right then is when he really started to get gripped with anxiety. It didn’t feel like he could reach through to himself or control his actions. He had no choice.

He eventually came home and his body guided him upstairs, sat him down on his bed and got him to breathe in and out deeply. Perhaps this wasn’t too bad. Perhaps whatever was controlling him was trying to take care of him. 

That thought was interrupted by his body’s new impulses. He knew what was going to happen. He saw it. He saw himself picking up a bread knife. He saw himself laying down in the bathtub with it. Then he would raise the knife and cut open his forearm from the bottom to the top-

“No!” he shouted. That seemed to get him the control of his body back, and he became eternally grateful. When he did actually stand up, his legs were shaky and his brain felt fuzzier than ever, like bees were trapped within it. “What do I do?” he whispered, pacing back and forth. He couldn’t call his father. He couldn’t call dr. Haynes either, knowing that she would then find out that he hadn’t been taking his pills. There was only one option.

“Yeah?” Stefan heard Colin answer on the other end of the line.

“I don’t feel well,” Stefan said.

“Stefan,” Colin simply said, sounding like Stefan had interrupted his work and that was a big problem.

“Please,” Stefan cried.

Colin sighed. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not in control,” he said. No answer. “I can’t control what I do, where I go, and I’m getting these weird thoughts like-”

“Alright, Stefan,” Colin said. “It’s alright. Do you want me to come get you?”

“Yes please,” Stefan said, feeling his eyes welling up with tears.

“Just stay calm and I’ll be there in fifteen,” Colin said. “Don’t worry. Just go outside if you start feeling worse.”

“Okay,” Stefan said. “Thank you.”

“‘Course,” Colin said. 

When they had hung up, Stefan sat by the doorstep. The breeze was lovely. The sunshine was strong on his face and spread like a warm coat. June would soon be arriving and the darkness would soon be all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. i LOVE this chapter. one of my favorites so far
> 
> 2\. will poulter is starring in a movie set.....in my home country..... just imagine.... the interviews..... "how was it like filming in that country"........ im.....shook. and excited.


	16. sixteen

Stefan had to wait on the doorstep for less than ten minutes before Colin came. He was blasting some new record of punk music that Stefan did in fact recognize, but he didn’t know from where.

“Waiting for someone?” Colin joked and opened the passenger seat door. Stefan smiled and got in. As soon as he sat down, he threw himself over Colin and gave him a huge kiss. Colin let out a little sound of surprise and pleasure, and it excited Stefan. A lot.

“Thank you for coming.”

“You interrupted me in my work,” Colin said and shook his head.

“Sorry,” Stefan said. He could see that Colin didn’t actually mind, but he appreciated the fact that he acted as if he did. Stefan didn’t know what he would do with himself if Colin acted as desperate as Stefan felt.

Colin drove Stefan to his house, the windows wide open and letting in fresh, cool air and sun which was streaming in on their faces. Colin looked more ethereal than usual. Rough around the edges but so untouched by the world, like a completely separate entity. Stefan was so lucky, even if it was nothing. Even if all he was to Colin was somebody to fuck.

As usual, Colin took his hand and guided him inside. Unlike when Stefan felt he hadn’t been in control by himself, this lack of control with Colin was wonderful. Colin just knew it.

“What’s wrong, now?” Colin said and sat down on the sofa. He patted his lap to show Stefan that he wanted him to sit down. Stefan did as Colin wanted and sat next to him, his legs over Colin’s knees. 

“I felt strange today,” Stefan said. “Like I wasn’t in control of what my body did. I had this thought that I just had to go downstairs - I don’t know why - and just get the bread knife and… I don’t know.”

“Are you not taking your medicine?” Colin asked. Stefan looked at him in shock, knowing for a fact that he hadn’t ever told Colin about any of his mental health issues or that he took medicine for it.

“No,” Stefan confessed. “I mean I want to, I just can’t.”

“I will make you take them,” Colin stated. “You can’t be trusted to have your own choice when it comes to this.”

“Okay,” Stefan agreed and pulled himself closer to Colin. “I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

Stefan took a deep breath, not really sure how far he should go with this conversation or how honest he should be. When he saw Colin’s expression, however, he realised that it wouldn’t matter what he said. Colin would still know.

“I’m scared I’ll be like my mother, I guess,” Stefan said. “I told you that she died when I was a kid,” he sighed. Colin pulled him close and made Stefan put his head on his chest. Stefan did it, closed his eyes and felt safe. “I have the same mental stuff as she did.”

“I see,” Colin said. “She killed herself?”

“Yeah,” Stefan said, opening his eyes and looking down at his hands.

“I used to have a sister,” Colin said. Stefan looked at him, not in surprise, but in understanding. They had a moment of just pure connection, like an exchange of energy between them. “She hung herself right there,” Colin said and pointed towards a corner by the glass door. “I was eleven and she was eighteen.”

Stefan looked over to the space. It was empty, void of furniture and Stefan thought that if the place his mother had done it was as bare, he would never dare to be anywhere close to it. “Isn’t it painful to live where it happened?”

“I told you when we had just met,” Colin said. “I am reclaiming it. My parents always tried to suppress it. Never once have they talked about her since it happened. We didn’t even have a funeral.”

“I’m sorry,” Stefan said, but Colin waved it away.

“There is no use being sorry,” Colin said. “What matters is that you accept it and you move forward, Stefan.”

He nodded at this, and looked at Colin, who looked back. He looked vulnerable for once. Stefan felt something well up inside him. He was overflowing and he couldn’t keep it in, and started crying in Colin’s arms, pressing himself against him, sobbing and just letting everything out. He felt safe again, the quiet of the house and the calm of Colin’s heartbeat soothing his own breathing.

In that moment, he wished he could apologize to his father. He wanted to hug him and say that he was so sorry for making him worry. It must have been harder on him than anyone to see Stefan spiral like his wife did.

He decided that as soon as he got home, he would take his pills.

A few minutes later, Stefan felt lighter. Colin was petting his hair, calming him down and shushing him gently. It was wonderful. Even though something so horrible was lurking in the back of his mind, all he really thought about was the way the sunlight reached them through the windows without curtains and how Colin was gently rubbing the back of his head with both hands.

“How about we do something fun now?” Colin asked. Stefan looked up at him and managed to produce a small smile.

“Yeah,” he agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second chapter of today because its just so short anyway, so... yeah.
> 
> this chapter is dear to me because i have had a lot of suicides in the family and i just need everyone to know that it can always be prevented. ALWAYS. but sorry if it got a bit too real (this fic was intended to be a story about a guy coming to terms with being a submissive slut but guess what?? we are going darker and deeper than that)


	17. seventeen

Colin was leading Stefan through a shopping centre. Everything about it just seemed so out of character for Colin, and it was weird for Stefan to see him in such a setting, with a bunch of brand stores and cafes in the background. Everything made sense when Colin stopped at the arcade at the very end of the centre.

“Are you for real?” Stefan asked, forcing down a laugh.

“It’s fun,” Colin defended himself. “Don’t be so judgemental.”

“I’m not,” Stefan said, catching Colin’s eyes. He was afraid that Colin would think he had been serious, when he only had been teasing. Maybe he shouldn’t tease him anymore.

“I know,” Colin said as if he knew exactly what Stefan had been thinking right then. He pulled Stefan into an embrace with one arm, to which Stefan promptly pushed him away. Colin looked at him in shock for a moment.

“I-There’s just a lot of people around,” Stefan said, embarrassed about his reaction.

“I’ll stay away then,” Colin said, suddenly cold. He seemed to notice Stefan’s reaction to the sudden coldness and turned to him, letting out a sigh. “It’s all fine. I get it.”

Stefan nodded and followed Colin as he walked into the arcade, now not holding Stefan’s hand any longer. It made Stefan sort of sad, but he was happy at the same time. Perhaps it was for the better. Stefan always tended to overthink the way people were looking at him in public - and in private - and holding hands with a man might be crossing his personal line of comfort.

Then again, his hand seemed to ache from the lack of Colin.

“Here we are,” Colin said. He had lead him into something that looked so retro Stefan thought he was in 1984, and something overcame him. A weird sense of deja vu, even though he knew he had never once been there. “I want to see you play DDR.”

“No, no way,” Stefan said.

“Come on,” Colin laughed.

“I-No. I’m not doing that,” Stefan said, looking around the arcade. It had seemed to him that it was full but upon closer inspection, there were very few other people in the arcade.

“It’ll help you relax,” Colin said.

“Then do it with me,” Stefan said and pulled on Colin’s arm.

“Fair enough.”

They stepped up and somehow, Stefan’s nervosity faded away as soon as he saw how awkward Colin looked. It even made him laugh, and Colin cursed him under his breath before the game started. Stefan won in every single round to the dismay of Colin, who seemed to grow more and more irritated by the second. No longer did Stefan care how he looked, being so amused by the fact that for once, he was better than Colin at something.

“I thought you were good at video games,” Stefan said as they stepped off, wiping his forehead.

“This isn’t a bloody video game,” Colin said. “It’s a nightmare.”

“It’s your own fault,” Stefan teased. 

Colin looked at him, eyebrows furrowed and shook his head. “Let’s just go to the bar instead.” Stefan laughed out loud at that, finding it incredibly funny how much of a sore loser Colin was.

“I’ve got to use the loo,” Stefan said.

“It’s over there,” Colin pointed and sat down.

“Okay,” Stefan said and walked off. 

He entered the bathroom, looked in the mirror and saw how his usually messy hair was even messier than usual. He tried to flatten it a little, but to no avail, as it stood right up as soon as he let go. He didn’t remember the last time he had washed it. 

After he had used the toilet, the door swung open and Colin came in, something strange about the way he was carrying himself. If Stefan didn’t know better, he would have assumed that Colin was on something. He approached Stefan slowly, quietly, and Stefan could do nothing but watch. He gulped when Colin got close, almost too close, which was weird to say considering his dick had been in his ass more than once. Colin towered above him, like a strange sort of god, and the fluorescent lights surrounded his head like a halo.

“You’re at my disposal, aren’t you?” Colin said and tucked a piece of messy hair behind Stefan’s ear.

“Yes,” Stefan said and looked up at Colin, feeling so lost, so scared but so good. He wanted it so bad.

“I know,” Colin said and moved his hands to each of Stefan’s shoulders. He felt him pushing down, urging him down on his knees, and Stefan was gripped with panic. He had never done anything like it, and certainly not in a public bathroom where anybody could walk in anytime. Stefan didn’t say anything, though. He did as Colin wanted, no matter what Colin wanted, because he was so right. Stefan didn’t want the choice. He didn’t want the ability to say no. He wanted Colin, and Colin only, to be guiding his decisions.

“You’re such a good boy,” Colin said and unbuttoned his pants. Stefan saw his hard-on pressing against the fabric before Colin had even pulled his underwear down, and Stefan felt himself rapidly getting harder. It was hard to focus and that familiar dizziness started to set in. It felt just like being drunk, Stefan realised. He loved every moment of it. The feeling of losing touch with reality. The way that knot in his stomach was released, even though it hurt and it made him lose his balance and his track of time, was intoxicating.

“I am?” Stefan said before Colin pulled his dick out right in front of his face, and Stefan found himself pushed against a corner. There was no escape, and that in itself was enough to make Stefan weak in a way that was so vulnerable and lovely.

“Go on,” Colin urged and Stefan did as he was told. 

It started with licking the head, swirling his tongue around it, before Colin pushed him further. He grabbed the back of Stefan’s head, only pushing slightly, but just that was too much for Stefan right then. His mouth was wide open and his dick was hard, throbbing against his thigh. He wanted so badly to reach down but he simply couldn’t. He had the feeling that he would cum as soon as he touched it. Colin hummed when Stefan willingly moved forward, now having half of the shaft in his mouth, and it was already blocking his airways. He tried to pull away for a moment, even just to breathe from his nose, but Colin held him there. Stefan was stuck.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Colin cursed when Stefan tried his hardest to pull away and was stopped by Colin’s hands keeping him in place. “Relax,” he said, and Stefan did as he was told, only focusing on the way it felt against the insides of his cheeks and pushing against his throat. Colin pushed down further and that was met with the attempt of a moan from Stefan. Tears were welling up in his eyes, and not just because of the physical strain. He wanted to touch himself.

He was struck with the realisation of just how much power he had in that situation and it gave him more motivation than he thought possible, and leaned into Colin’s actions. He let himself be pushed down further and further until Colin’s dick was completely buried in Stefan’s throat. It hurt, but for some reason, that made all of it better for him.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Colin said and pulled out only slightly, before he started thrusting into Stefan’s throat. Focusing only on keeping his gag reflex under control, Stefan closed his eyes, which was met by a hum of disapproval from Colin. He therefore opened his eyes and saw Colin looking down at him with that strange, cryptic look that was just so Colin. His thrusting didn’t slow down, but rather got faster, and Stefan had to prepare himself for what was to come. 

Colin moved his hands around Stefan’s head before finally settling one in his hair and the other one on the back of his head. Just that motion, Colin’s deep breathing, the feeling of him in his throat and the way he was looking at him was enough to send him off the edge. Colin noticed and even laughed at just how sensitive Stefan was. It seemed as if that turned him on even more, and Stefan felt Colin’s dick twitch in his throat, to which he hummed in approval. Colin came after a few more thrusts, pushing his hardest into Stefan’s throat, who could do nothing but stay there and take it. 

As soon as Colin had pulled his pants up, the door swung open and Stefan was very surprised to see who it was. There was Sam, looking at Stefan with a shocked expression. Stefan was suddenly so aware of the fact that he still had cum in his mouth, and was forced to swallow before he could say anything.

“Oh, Sam,” he said, his voice shaky and nervous. “This is-”

“Yeah, we’ve met before,” Colin said and reached out a hand, now leaned against the sink. 

“Yeah, you were at my house,” Sam said and shook Colin’s hand. Sam let go quickly and turned to Stefan instead. “What are you doing here?”

“We were just playing games and... yeah,” he said, never having felt so awkward before in his life.

“Yeah,” Sam said, already having lost interest. He looked at Stefan with something so weird in his eyes, and just the thought that they had once been best friends was insane to them at the moment. 

“Well, bye bye, Sam,” Colin said and grabbed Stefan’s hand. Stefan almost pulled away before he saw Sam’s expression. Sam wasn’t disgusted, he was angry. That made Stefan clench his jaw as he gripped Colin’s hand hard, no longer caring what Sam would think. Colin lead him out of the arcade and they stopped outside of it, where Colin turned Stefan to look at him, and grabbed his face with both hands. “He’s a dickhead. You know that.”

“He didn’t even say anything,” Stefan said.

“I can still see that you’re not fine,” Colin said and let go of his face to once again hold his hand. “And that’s not okay with me.”

“So what, you’re trying to defend me from my own feelings?” 

“Yep,” Colin said and lead Stefan away from there. Butterflies.

Colin took them to a bar right outside of the shopping centre. He ordered two gin and tonics for them - which Stefan just felt was such a Colin drink - and sat them down by the window. Stefan sipped his drink slowly, not really liking the taste, but happy to do whatever Colin wanted him to.

“It’s been such a fucked up day,” Stefan said. He was suddenly aware of the cum in his underwear, but decided that he would deal with it later. Colin nodded.

“And you came right to me,” Colin said and chuckled.

“You always know the right choices,” Stefan said and took a sip.

“That’s right. Still adorable.”

Stefan blushed and tried to hide it with his hands, but Colin removed them. Stefan figured that if Colin wanted to see just how easily he affected Stefan with his words and actions, then there was nothing could say against it.

“Did you think I was adorable when I was sucking your cock?” Stefan said, his voice getting less loud by the word.

“The cutest,” Colin said and touched Stefan’s cheek. Stefan leaned into it. This was peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwuwuwuwuwuwu
> 
> from now on its gonna be like 90% angst tho but this chapter......
> 
> uwuwuwuwuwu


	18. eighteen

It had begun as Stefan just wanting Colin to tell him what to do, but it had grown into Stefan not doing anything without Colin telling him to. He ate when Colin told him to. He slept when Colin told him to. He really had tried taking his pills. That determination to take them that he had felt was just so distant now. He barely remembered why he had been so compelled to take them, even lay them out so that they would be prepared for him each day. It seemed silly. He was fine without them. Still, he took two of them each day, dropped them in the toilet and flushed. Nobody would know.

School had never felt more pointless. He listened to his teachers droning on for hours about things he would never need. He had gone mostly because Colin wanted it that way and because graduation was slowly coming closer. In just one short month he would be free of it all.

“Mr. Butler, come see me after class,” mr. Wilson said at the end of english. In another reality, Stefan would have been excited by that, but that was a different lifetime. He just groaned and accepted, but he was nowhere near happy about it. He stuck around after class, sat on the desk and waited for everybody to leave. When it was only him and mr. Wilson left, he turned to look at him.

“What did you want to see me about?” he asked.

Mr. Wilson sighed. “Please get off the desk, Stefan.” Stefan did as he was told, but to no great pleasure. “Me and a few other teachers are getting concerned about you. This is not the Stefan we know.” Stefan just looked at him, embarrassed. He knew he hadn't acted his best self lately, but he didn't know anybody had picked up on it. Usually they let everything he did slide and his mental absence in class had never been a problem before. “I am obligated to tell you that you are close to failing my class. There is still time, however, and I believe we can work through this together.”

When Stefan actually saw him up close, mr. Wilson was nowhere near as attractive as he had once thought. “Yeah.”

“It will take effort,” mr. Wilson said and leaned forward. “I expect you to show up for every class, and I expect you to work hard during the classes.”

“Sure,” Stefan said with a smile that mr. Wilson could definitely tell wasn't real. He didn't say anything though, but just sighed. Stefan took that as a sign that he was free to leave, so he got up and headed towards the door. When he was just about to open it, mr. Wilson coughed. 

“Is there something wrong?” he asked. When Stefan just looked at him with an empty expression, he lifted up his hands. “It's my responsibility to make sure my students are doing alright.”

“Not outside of school,” Stefan tried to retort, but it sounded stupid as soon as it left his mouth.

“Yes, it is,” mr. Wilson said. “But I can’t force anything out of you.”

“Good,” Stefan said and walked out of the room without another word.

He was mad now. All he wanted was to over to Colin's house, and that was his plan until he found Kitty waiting for him on a bench outside of school, smoking a cigarette.

“How was it?” she laughed.

“I'm failing, apparently.”

“Yeah, thought so.” She was smiling, but it faded quickly. “Come sit down.”

He sat down next to her and was offered a cigarette. He gladly took it, now having gotten accustomed to the taste. In fact, he quite enjoyed it. 

“I was going to go to Colin’s,” Stefan said.

“I know,” she said and paused. She reached her hand up and put it on his cheek, looking at him with an expression that Stefan could not describe as anything but motherly. Stefan laughed. If Kitty was his new mummy, then Colin was his new daddy.

“So why are you looking so concerned?”

“Do you remember that I said Colin has a way with you?” she said, and Stefan nodded. She bit her lip and removed her hand to light Stefan's cigarette. “I just think you have changed a lot.”

“You and mr. Wilson,” he said and took a puff. “And my dad.”

“Maybe we are right,” she said. “I have been there. Just because Colin doesn't have a care in the world doesn't mean you shouldn't.”

“What do you mean you have ‘been there’?” he asked, some strange beast within him howling.

“Not like that, Stefan,” she said. “And you know that. You're just looking for reasons to get upset now.”

Stefan sighed, knowing that she was right. “Maybe you have a point.”

“I do,” she stated and leaned back. She paused for a moment, collecting herself, and Stefan did the same. He had just been irrational, which seemed to happen more often than “Colin told me about your little encounter with your dad,” she said, now back to her usual, laughing self again. Stefan managed to laugh as well.

“Yeah, well,” he said before they both broke out into laughter. It felt so good to laugh but Stefan couldn't say why. When he thought about it, he realised that it had been a while since he had laughed.

“You're so sweet, Stefan,” she said. “Don't let that go.”

Stefan didn't reply. He didn't know what to say to that. What was he even meant to say? That he has never been sweet?

“Come to mine instead of Colin's,” Kitty said.

“Why?” he said, sounding snappier than intended.

“I'm guessing mr. Wilson told you that you need to study.”

Stefan chuckled. “Yeah, sure did.”

“Let’s study then.”

“Fine,” Stefan said with a sigh. “But I'm still going to his tonight.”

“Alright,” she said and linked their arms together as they sat there, smoking their cigarettes. Stefan cursed himself for ever being rude to her.

 

They studied together for about two hours before Stefan was exhausted. Even thinking about it made him frustrated. It was as if he read the words on the page but they wouldn't stick, instead mashing together into one big blob. 

“I give up,” he said and threw his english textbook on Kitty's bed. Her house was unexpectedly nice, with expensive furniture and artwork on the walls.

“Oh come on,” she said and got up from where she was sitting on the floor. She sat next to him on the bed and picked up the english textbook. “You know all of this. It's not hard.”

“Not for you,” he said and sighed. He wished he hadn't gone with her. He wished Colin had been there to save him instead.

“So what do you suggest we do?” she said and put down the book again. “Go to Colin's and get high?”

“Something like that,” he muttered. 

“Stefan,” she sighed. “You can't just run away from everything. Colin won't always be there.”

Stefan was offended by that. She was speaking as if she knew Colin better than he did, in the way he did. “You don't know him like that.”

“Yes I do, Stefan,” she said. 

It felt like his chest had been cut open when she said those words. There was nothing he could do but stare at her. Some beast within him howled, ripping through him, and a weird hatred for everything about her appeared. Her house. The fancy furniture.

“What?”

“We dated for six months,” she said, a sort of begging tone in her voice. It sounded genuine, but Stefan wasn't sure. “I do know him.”

“No,” he said. He didn't want to believe it. He stood up and walked away from her, towards the door.

“Don't leave,” she said. He scoffed and walked out the door. He was going to see Colin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just finished writing this fic <3 dont worry. its gonna be a happy ending. <3


	19. nineteen

Stefan picked up the familiar key. Some weird feeling of remembering a book came into his head. Get key. It was a very brief thought but made him uncomfortable and all he could think about was his father’s office. Before he could give it another thought, it was gone. He unlocked Colin’s door and went inside.

Colin was sitting in the sofa, watching something on the television. He looked so focused and so calm, but still his eyebrows were furrowed, as if deep in thought. He turned to look at Stefan when he heard his steps.

“Hi there,” he said and reached up and arm to show Stefan that he was meant to sit down. Stefan did just that.

“I’m failing my classes,” Stefan said, no patience for small talk. 

“Then you should study,” Colin said and held Stefan close.

“I’ve been studying the whole afternoon,” he said and paused. “With Kitty,” he added and looked at Colin, trying to read his expression, see if he got any reaction at the mention of her. He didn’t know what he expected, but he knew that he expected more than he got.

“That’s good, then,” he said and turned off the tv. “You deserve a break.”

Colin grabbed both of Stefan’s hand and pinned them over his hand, in effect pushing Stefan down on the sofa. He started kissing his neck, to which Stefan gasped and closed his eyes. The feeling of Colin’s lips against such a sensitive space, such a personal and vulnerable place was orgasmic. Colin went from kissing, to licking and to biting. Like a hungry beast killing its prey slowly and gently. Stefan tilted his head so that Colin got better access. The thought that his teeth were right above his most precious flow of blood lingered in his head and it made him think he wanted nothing more than for Colin to bite down. He arched his back, desperate for Colin to just devour him.

“Excited, are we?” Colin said and his mouth travelled from his neck and up to his ear. He bit it harder than Stefan had expected.

“Please,” Stefan moaned. He didn’t even have to say anything else. 

Colin moved his hands down his body, caressing his sides, lingering on his hips before he unbuttoned Stefan’s pants and pulled them off with his underwear. He took Stefan’s jumper off as well and just looked at him for a moment, admiring every curve, before doing the same to himself. When he had taken his shirt off, Stefan reached his hands up and touched Colin’s chest. Every little sensation, every breath he took was magical. Stefan had the universe at his fingertips when he was touching Colin like this.

Stefan tried not to think about what it had been like for Kitty to be in this position when Colin entered him. It didn’t take him long to find other things to think about when Colin was holding him down, controlling every way his body turned, controlling the sounds he made, but even then, he couldn’t help his mind drifting. 

She had once been the one on that sofa, in that bed, in that shower. She had once been his muse. It made him furious. For once, he took control. He was angry now. He put his hands on Colin’s back, digging his nails in as deep as he could, urging Colin to do the same to him. 

“Hard,” Stefan said, his voice no longer shaky or shy. It was demanding. 

Colin did to Stefan what Stefan had done to Colin, pushing himself as deep and hard into him as he could, and Stefan loved it. The thoughts about Kitty didn’t disappear, but they changed. Kitty was nothing.

Colin belonged to him now.

 

When Stefan watched Colin sleep, it seemed ridiculous to think that what Kitty had said was true. He was so calm and collected, so mature and all-knowing when awake, but when he was asleep he just existed. It was childlike, innocent. He wasn’t Pax anymore, he was just Colin. It almost seemed to Stefan that someone like Colin shouldn’t be able to sleep, because he was so ethereal, non-human. But this was proof that he was. Colin was just Colin. 

Stefan touched his cheek and stroked his hair. It had grown since they had met, and only the tips were now bleached-blonde. Somehow the ratty colour in the roots made him seem even more human. It felt safe. It was all so soft, everything from Colin’s hair to the calm expression in his face.

It reminded him of a feeling he hadn’t had since his mother was still alive. With that thought, he fell asleep next to Colin, pressing himself up against his naked body like a child seeking warmth. Colin didn’t put an arm around him, but to Stefan, this was enough.

 

The next morning, Stefan woke up in an empty, cold bed. He was still naked and felt the breeze coming in from the window, which he promptly got up to close. It was sunny outside, and Stefan let the sunshine stay on him for just a moment before he went over to grab some of Colin’s clothes to wear.

When he came downstairs, Colin was making tea with his back turned to Stefan. It was just such a domestic sight and made Stefan feel some strange, calm and cozy feeling in his chest. It wasn’t the usual excited, anxious feeling. This feeling was warm. He went up and hugged Colin from behind, leaned into him and took a deep breath. His smell was intoxicating.

“I talked to Kitty,” Colin said. The feeling of warmth disappeared and was replaced with that anxiety from before. He let go of Colin and slowly took a step back. Colin turned around.

“What did she say?” Stefan said, just looking at Colin, trying to see if it was good or bad. He was filled with frustration over the fact that he could never read Colin. He didn’t understand why Colin wouldn’t just let him read him.

“She said you got upset.” Colin gestured vaguely, as if that was a description in itself. “And that she told you about me and her.”

“Oh,” Stefan said. It was all he could say, but Colin seemed to want Stefan to say something more. “So it’s true.”

“Yes,” Colin said. He didn’t sound guilty. He was just stating a fact, and Stefan knew that, but it angered him. He wanted Colin to feel guilty.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Stefan said. “Why didn’t either of you?”

“Because it doesn’t matter, Stefan. That path has been done. What happens on that path is immaterial-”

“But it does bloody matter,” Stefan snapped. His blood was boiling. “You’re just living in this, this fantasy world where nothing matters. You’re just saying stupid shit so you can use people.” Colin still didn’t flinch. He just stood there, his eyebrows raised, waiting for what Stefan would say next. Stefan shook his head.

Colin sighed. “You done?” Stefan didn’t say anything, but tried to mimic Colin’s emotionless expression. “Alright. I’m not trying to use you,” he said and paused, just looking Stefan straight in the eye. “I can see that you’re upset. How about we go and sit down and talk it through instead.”

“No,” Stefan said, feeling like his throat had knotted up, like something was trying to push itself out, but couldn’t. “You were my first everything, you know?” 

“I know,” Colin said and crossed his arms. Stefan wanted him to open them up and tell him that everything was okay. When that didn’t happen, Stefan felt that something was seriously wrong.

“You know what? Fuck this.”

Stefan grabbed his jacket and headed straight out of the door. He wished he had stayed, like so many times when he had left that house before. He wished Colin would come out running after him. 

That was stupid of him. In no conceivable reality, no matter how many there are, would Colin run after Stefan. Running was Stefan’s job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my poor baby boy stefan :'''((((( honestly at this point i am no longer in control of this fic. it is just going where it goes. it has been that way since like chapter 10??and i LOVE IT


	20. twenty

There was something he had forgotten, Stefan realised, but he had no idea what. The distant memory of a pill bottle on his bathroom counter. He knew there was something he was supposed to do. It had something to do with the bottle. There was just no energy to think about it, so he let the thought go. It only evoked some disgusting memory of worms in his hand.

He hadn’t talked to Colin nor Kitty since he had last been at Colin’s house. Actually, he hadn’t talked to anybody but his father, who seemed more than pleased about the fact that Stefan was now spending every night at home. Stefan wasn’t pleased. His mind was foggy but there was one feeling he could really distinguish. 

Anger. He was angry with his father. He was so angry with Colin and Kitty. He was angry with Sam too, but that had taken a step back. At this point, Sam’s betrayal had faded in comparison. Mostly he was angry at the fact that he had let himself get so attached to Colin.

In hindsight, it all seemed stupid to him. Within two months, he had let himself be manipulated by Colin, let his guard down, let himself be controlled. It sounded like something straight out of a domestic abuse story or a strange romance novella, and Stefan felt stupid for having fallen for Colin’s act.

That is why it seemed even more stupid that he was still wearing the clothes he had taken out of Colin’s closet the last time they had seen each other, almost two weeks ago.

Graduation was only a week away now. Since that afternoon with Kitty, he hadn’t been studying at all, and going to english class wasn’t even on his mind. He could barely handle going to his other classes, but the thought of encountering mr. Wilson was the most terrifying thought of all. Almost as terrifying as encountering Kitty. They had to see each other in school, obviously, and she had again and again tried to approach him. He had refused. He wouldn't even meet her gaze. After the first week, she had stopped trying.

It was less of a relief than Stefan had thought. He had so many questions and all of them would forever be unanswered. This would just be yet another sad memory from his youth. He had so many of them at this point.

 

It was a friday afternoon and Stefan was skipping english class. He had bought his own pack of cigarettes now that he had nobody to get them from, and was smoking as he walked home from the bus. He knew that he smelled bad, as he hadn’t taken a shower in a few days. That, like with everything else, was something that he had absolutely no energy to think about. Mixing that natural stench with cigarettes probably wasn’t the best choice, but he promised himself to take a shower as soon as he got home.

To his surprise, however, his father was home, smoking a cigarette himself in the kitchen while cooking and humming to the tune of something on the radio and smiling when he saw Stefan. Something about it just struck deep in Stefan and he was filled with some strange irritation. Peter was acting like everything was normal. He had no idea about what had happened to Stefan, and he didn’t care. He hadn’t even asked.

“I’m making lasagna,” he said when Stefan approached. A stupid smile was on his face. Stefan said nothing, but went closer. Peter’s expression changed from jolly to concerned when he saw Stefan up close. Stefan guessed that he probably saw his greasy hair, his dirty clothes, and smelling the cigarettes from a mile away. “You should have a shower.”

“I should, yeah?” Stefan said and went over to the cabinet where he knew his father stored alcohol. 

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” Stefan said and opened it. There was a wide selection of fine spirits and wines. Stefan couldn’t choose vodka or gin, as it reminded him of Colin, and chose to go with whisky. 

“Hey,” Peter said and tried to take the bottle from Stefan’s hand. Stefan looked at his father, feeling as furious as ever. He knew he would win this battle, but Peter refused to let go as well. “Give me the bottle.”

“No,” Stefan shouted and grabbed it with both hands. He pulled as hard as he could, but it didn’t seem to work. He needed it, but he didn’t know why. An uncomfortable feeling crept up his back of being controlled. Memories of his mind taking him to a dark place. The bread knife and the bathtub, now the whisky bottle being swung towards his father’s head. His breathing got heavier and faster.

“Just give me the bottle!” Peter said and let go. Stefan realised that his father letting go of the bottle was the worst possible choice. Without willing it so, Stefan took a step back and swung the whisky bottle backwards.

“I’m not in control,” he said, now not in an angry tone, but a desperate one. “Get away from me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Dad, I’m not in control!” 

That was the last thing he said before he swung the bottle forwards, aiming for his father’s head. Peter managed miraculously to avoid it and his face was now filled with fear and worry. Like a sign sent from god, the bottle slipped from Stefan’s hand and it broke on the floor, bleeding out. Peter went forward, tried to embrace his son, but Stefan couldn’t let himself be embraced. He had to get rid of this. He had to get out of the house. 

He saw his mother’s corpse hanging from the ceiling everywhere he went. Her purple skin, her open eyes which had faded to white, and her arms open, welcoming him, urging him to join her.

He ran out of the house. He ran for as long as he could, which wasn’t long since he had lost so much of his muscles in the last while due to not eating. He reached a phone booth at the end of the street and knew that he had to call somebody. The police, an ambulance, or even his school. Just anybody. He needed to be helped.

“Come on, pick up,” he urged after he had punched in the number. Tone after tone went by and nobody picked up on the other end. Just the waiting was almost enough to make him cry, but what made him cry was when he reached the voicemail. Colin’s harsh voice. It didn’t make him feel safe now. It made him feel angry.

If Colin wasn’t going to pick up, then he would go to Colin’s house. Not just because he needed somebody right now, but because he needed an explanation. Colin had always had all the power in their relationship, or whatever it was. Now, it was Stefan’s time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know i had to do it to em
> 
> im seriously going to be so sad once i have posted the last chapter. its been so great seeing all your reactions and it truly woke up a part of me that i havent seen for YEARS aka the one that loves to write. in two weeks i pumped out over 35k words just like that, WHILE WORKING 46 HOURS A WEEK???? I deserve.....an applause. not that this fic is very good. i have just had SO much fun writing it and it helped me through a very difficult two weeks... just thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has commented.
> 
> the last five chapter will be posted throughout this weekend<3 and i hope to see you all again in new fanfics perhaps<3 and pls send me a lil message if you wanna be friends<3 ok bye bye see you next chapter


	21. twenty one

Stefan barely remembered how he had got there, but all of a sudden, he was stood outside of Colin’s house. It was no longer sunny, but rain was pouring down his back. He had to get inside. He was just scared of what he would do once he came face to face with him.

He did it anyway. 

Entering the house, not bothering to close the door. Scanning his surroundings. Colin wasn’t in the living room nor the kitchen. 

Stefan found him sitting at his desk, smoking a cigarette with headphones on. His hair had been cut short again but hadn’t been bleached. Stefan stood looking at him like that. He didn’t dare to say anything, but he knew he had to. He knew that he had to get Colin’s attention somehow, but he didn’t know how, so he just stood there.

It took a good minute or two before Colin noticed him. He turned around in his chair, took off his headphones and raised his eyebrows at Stefan.

“You ready to talk yet?” he asked, and Stefan didn’t answer. Instead he just kept staring at him, waiting for something to happen, waiting for whatever entity it was controlling him to tell him what to do. At that moment, he would have done anything it told him to. “You look like shit.” Stefan approached him as his breathing got heavier. Colin stayed seated, scoffed at Stefan and shook his head. “I’ve got work, so if you don’t want to talk right now, just wait downstairs.”

“No,” Stefan said and the impulses came at him all at once. He heard voices screaming at him to kiss Colin, to punch him, to kill him. He didn’t know which one to act on, so he stood still before Colin got up from his seat.

“I’ll lead you down,” Colin said and tried to take Stefan’s hand, but Stefan quickly removed it. Colin sighed and tried again, to which Stefan slapped him. Colin looked at him in shock. It wasn’t the usual, angry kind of shocked, but a sad kind. It almost made Stefan regret slapping him. He hadn’t seen him for so long and all he wanted was to be held, but that was an impossible desire. It was just something he couldn’t do. “Look, I get that you’re upset but it won’t get better if we don’t talk about it.”

“There is nothing to talk about.”

Kill him. Kiss him. Kill him.

“Talk to me, Stefan.”

“No,” Stefan said.

He lifted his hand up and tried to strike him. Miraculously, Colin managed to avoid it, and that same sad look was on his face, but now with more determination. He grabbed Stefan, held him close as he was thrashing, trying to escape. He felt darkness fill his mind like thick tar coating every part of his brain and all he had to escape to was Colin. But Colin was holding it all in place. 

“I’m not in control,” he shouted and tried to punch Colin’s chest, but he was holding him tighter than before, pressing him against his body.

“Shh, it’s going to be okay,” Colin reassured calmly and moved one of his hands from Stefan’s back up to his head, where he nestled it in his hair and pushed Stefan even closer. Stefan kept trying to break loose, but he became tired, his limbs all protesting against the excessive force of his mind. He ended up crying, sobbing deeply into Colin’s shoulder, melting into him. He thought of his mother, of his father. He thought of how good it had been.

His mind became blank as he drifted in and out of a memory of Hyde park. Sitting on the grass. The soft feeling of his mother’s dress at his fingertips. She had been so beautiful. Stefan looked so much like her now. They had the same eyes and the same hair. Even the way they walked was the same.

He saw her surrounded by light at the other side of the park. It was empty now, except for him. He wasn’t a child anymore. He was eighteen years old, wearing his dirty clothes, hair unwashed. She was reaching out a hand to him. He walked closer, his feet against the warm grass, the sun on every part of his skin. She was so beautiful with a smile on her face, so welcoming. He smiled back at her. 

“You’ve gotten so big,” she said and he saw tears in her eyes. Stefan took her hand.

“I’ve missed you, mum,” he said and hugged her. 

“We’re together now,” she said and held him close. He felt so safe, finally. He felt like he was exactly where he was supposed to be. 

But she was fading away, and Stefan was fading in and out of it. He was still in the park but his mother was gone. It was dark. The sun had already set and the rain was pouring. He wasn’t eighteen anymore. He was five, and he was all alone. 

“Mummy?” he said and looked around for her, but she was nowhere around, but he noticed a presence behind him. He turned around, scared of what he would see, and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he saw Colin. Colin was reaching out a hand to him as well.

He realised that he had a choice. 

He could go with his mother, to the warm comfort of the park, and it all would end right there. He would stay forever, in his mother’s arms, the peace surrounding him ever present. 

Or he could go with Colin into the harsh rain. He could join the thief of destiny and worship him forever, following him wherever he went, be under his mercy. 

Suddenly it was interrupted by a rip in the skies. Stefan saw Colin’s face above him, like god looking down at his creation from the skies.

“Stefan, please,” Colin begged from above. “Wake up, come on.”

Stefan was confused. If Colin was above him, who was the Colin standing in front of him?

Stefan turned slowly. When he had turned completely, he shifted his head and saw not Colin, but a lion creature, staring at him, hungry eyes, and teeth peaking out, ready to rip out his neck. Stefan had no time to run before Pax charged at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i saw thomas brodie sangster at a bar last night ?? and also went to a really WEIRD club and got like 5 guys numbers and one guy who offered to father my children? why are men so weird. . . . why


	22. twenty two

When Stefan woke up, he was in a white room. His hair was washed, his clothes had been changed and his teeth had been brushed. He felt that his eyes were too sensitive to open completely, but with the little bit that he opened them, he was able to see Colin sitting next to the bed. He looked to be reading something. Stefan tried to speak, but only managed to let out a little moan, to which Colin reacted. He leaned over to Stefan, grabbed his hand and looked him in his eyes.

“It’s all okay,” he said and kissed Stefan’s hand. It was dark outside now. Stefan wondered just how many hours had passed and how long he had been asleep for.

“I-” he began trying to speak, but his throat felt sore and Colin shushed him.

“I will explain tomorrow. Just sleep now.”

Stefan closed his eyes again and rested his head. 

 

The next morning, he woke up in the same way, with Colin at his side. Colin had fallen asleep in the chair now, and Stefan took a moment to just look at him. He looked so calm. Stefan loved his natural hair colour, and really wanted to touch it. He felt too tired in his body to do so, and was content with just watching him from a little distance. 

Stefan felt something in his nose, and reached up a hand to touch his face. There was a tube in his nose, extending down to his throat. It was uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as the headache.

He heard Colin shift before opening his eyes and looking back at Stefan. They both stayed silent for a moment and Colin reached over his hand to Stefan, who took it in his own. It was completely silent, but they each knew what the other meant. Whatever it was, it was forgiven.

“Where am I?” Stefan asked.

“Saint Juniper’s,” Colin said. Even if that was an answer that Stefan had expected, it still upset him, and he sighed.

“Yeah,” he just said. Colin squeezed his hand hard, knowing exactly what Stefan needed. “So what happened?”

“You had a panic attack,” Colin said simply. “And I didn’t know what to do, so me and your father got you here.”

“Dad knows?” Stefan groaned.

“He knows,” Colin said and was silent for a little while. “I can tell that he really loves you.”

“I know he does,” Stefan said. A familiar feeling of regret set in. He regretted making his father worry. More than anything, he regretted acting the way he had. He barely remembered yesterday, but from what he could recollect, he knew that it was bad.

“I had no idea,” Colin said, shaking his head. “I really had no idea that it was this bad, Stefan, you should have told me.”

“I’m sorry,” Stefan said, feeling like he was about to cry. When he couldn’t hold it back anymore, Colin immediately came to the rescue, putting a hand on Stefan’s head and leaning closer. He shushed him gently and placed a kiss on his forehead, then another on his cheek, and finally one on his lips. There was no hunger in it now. It was just gentle and sweet.

“I will be here,” Colin reassured. 

They stayed like that for a little while. 

The door opened and in came Peter, carrying a bag and a tray with two sandwiches on it. 

“Brought some food, a change of clothes…” he said, not even looking at the two of them. When he did, however, it seemed that he didn’t mind anything they were doing. “Oh, you’re awake.”

“I’ll give you some space,” Colin said and got up. As he left, he put a hand on Peter’s shoulder and they exchanged a look. There was nothing bad in that look. Peter sat down where Colin had been sitting, and Colin went out the door.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

Stefan knew he couldn’t say that he was fine now. It was too late, he had already fucked up. There was only the truth to tell from now on.

“Not that good,” he said, looking at his hands, doing anything not to look into his father’s eyes. “I feel really tired.”

“I understand that,” Peter said and tried to grab hold of Stefan’s hand, but Stefan moved it. He just wasn’t ready yet. Peter seemed to understand, and instead settled on just listening to him.

“I wasn’t taking my pills,” Stefan said. Peter nodded.

“I know, Stefan,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and it was genuine. “I saw mum.”

“You saw mum?”

“Yeah.” Stefan played with his blanket for a while, gathering the courage to look at his father. When he finally did, he was only met with love.

“Did she say anything?” he asked.

“She told me that I had gotten big,” Stefan chuckled. It seemed so ironic now, considering the tube in his nose and the way he felt so small in that room.

“Okay,” his father said. They paused for a moment and Stefan looked back down. He couldn’t bare to look at his father anymore, because he just felt so guilty and so ashamed that he had let himself get like this. “Colin seems wonderful.”

“You think so?” Stefan said, now feeling a little less pathetic.

“He’s a good chap,” Peter said. “He’s been here all night.”

“Oh,” Stefan said. “I didn’t think he would.”

“Neither did I,” Peter said. “I was really worried about you. I still am.”

“Me too,” Stefan admitted. There was something strange about Peter’s expression after that, and Stefan felt that he had to explain himself. “It’s not because of Colin. He said he would force me to take the medication.”

“I know it’s not because of him,” Peter whispered and let out a sigh. “You are so much like your mother.”

“I know,” Stefan said.

“She was a wonderful woman,” Peter said. “I have never met such a loving, caring person in my life. I see so much of that it in you. You even look so much like her.” 

Stefan didn’t know how to respond, and stayed silent. He didn’t know if being like his mother was a good thing. The only thing he knew was that he didn’t want to end up like her. No matter what, he wanted to stay here. He didn’t want to leave his father, who had already lost so much, and he didn’t want to leave Colin. If anything, tonight had proved to him that he was, to Colin, more than somebody to fuck.

“I really like Colin,” Stefan said after a moment of thinking.

“He really likes you too,” Peter said. Stefan tried to interrupt, but his father didn’t let him. “I don’t mind it. Not at all. He brought you here. It is obvious that he cares for you.”

“Thank you,” Stefan said, forcing back a sob.

“Of course,” Peter said and reached his hand over. This time, Stefan took it. They sat like that for a while, until Colin came back in. It was all silent as Colin pulled out another chair and sat on the other side of the bed.

“Are you okay?” Colin asked before picking up one of the sandwiches off of the tray.

“I’m alright,” Stefan said, the word now being true. He really did feel alright at the moment. As long as he knew that he had Colin and his father by his side.

“Good,” Colin said and gave Stefan a kiss before he went back to his food. Peter didn’t let Stefan’s hand go, and Stefan squeezed it.

This was how it was supposed to be. There was no other way that this could have happened.

That is when Stefan realised why Colin took everything so calmly. He had already known how it would end up. He had already seen it. Stefan felt such immense gratitude fill up his own being, and looked at Colin. Colin looked back and smiled when he saw Stefan’s face. He put a hand out and Stefan grabbed it.

He laid there, between the two people who loved him most, and felt at peace. This time, the peace was real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow,. she rly did that.


	23. twenty three

Colin stayed by his side most of the time during his visit at Saint Juniper’s. He stayed as the nurse made Stefan take his medication, watching as Stefan took his showers and calmed him down when he got anxiety before he fell asleep. During the days he was gone, working on his game, and Stefan was left alone in his thoughts. It was not bad. Actually, he quite liked it. It let him think in peace.

“Why are you doing this?” Stefan asked the third day into his stay. It was the first of june. Summer had set in and graduation was coming closer, and Stefan knew he would not be able to attend it. It didn’t get him down as much as he would have guessed. It felt quite fine.

“I want to take care of you,” Colin said and pet his hair. “You’re mine.”

Stefan knew this was something he had to bring up, but he didn’t know exactly how. That just made him feel like that there was no other time to bring it up. The old Stefan would have suppressed it, tried to forget it, but that was not him anymore. It had to be done now.

“In what way am I yours?”

He took a deep breath when waiting for Colin’s answer. To his surprise, Colin leaned forward, took Stefan’s hand in his own and brought it up to his face. He kissed his hand gently. “You’re my boyfriend, right?”

Stefan couldn’t help but smile.

“Your boyfriend?” he laughed.

“Yep.”

“That’s,” he began, and squeezed Colin’s hand. “Good.”

Colin leaned closer and kissed Stefan. Stefan put his hand on the back of Colin’s head, feeling the newly cut hair and enjoying the feeling of being close to him. Their encounter days ago just felt like such a different part of his life.

When Colin pulled away, Stefan longed for more. His head was lifted from his pillow and he was propped up on his shoulders. Everything about him screamed at Colin to come closer in every way possible.

“I’ve got to get to work, now,” Colin said.

“Really?” Stefan moaned.

“You’re so cute,” Colin said. Without having ever been told what Stefan wanted, Colin leaned forward again and kissed him, this time deeper than before. “I will be back right after.”

“I’m getting out tomorrow.”

“I will be here to pick you up,” Colin said. “Assuming your father doesn’t get here first.”

Stefan laughed. “Promise you’ll be here later?”

“Promise.”

 

It was all calm during the day. The doctor had taken the tube out of his nose, but he was forced to eat three big meals a day, which was far more than Stefan was used to. He wasn’t sure which one was worse. 

The worst thing about being at the clinic was the boredom. He had nothing to do but read and stare out the window. To be fair, the sight outside was nice. The weather had become gradually better, and it had been unusually warm for England. Stefan could not wait to get out and enjoy it. Just sitting in Colin’s backyard wearing one of his t-shirts, sharing a cigarette and looking at the blue sky. It was like a dream.

At 3PM, someone requested to visit Stefan. After having accepted, he expected nobody but who did appear. It was Kitty, her hair now dyed bright pink, with a sad expression on her face as she entered the room.

“You look well,” she said and sat down. She looked like she was ready to be cursed out, spat on, but Stefan wanted to do no such thing. The only feeling that he felt when he saw her was regret. “Look, Stefan-”

“I’m sorry,” Stefan interrupted her. “I acted really, really stupidly.”

“No, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have explained. And it came of really… Know-it-all-y.”

“To be fair, I didn’t let you explain,” he said.

“You know there is nothing between me and Colin.”

Even though it still hurt to think about it, Stefan knew that it was fine now. He knew that Colin didn’t see Kitty in that way and he knew that Kitty didn’t see Colin in that way. He thought that the feelings of jealousy would probably never completely disappear, but he had come to terms with them. Besides, he had come to treasure Kitty. He didn’t want to lose that.

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “Do you know what Colin said this morning?”

“What?”

“He called me his boyfriend,” Stefan said. Kitty smiled.

“Obviously,” she said. “You’ve been his boyfriend for like a month.”

“Yeah, sort of,” he said. “But it’s never been official like this.”

“Do you like it?”

Stefan didn’t have to think of what to answer. “Yeah, I do.”

“I’m so happy for you,” she said. “Can I hug you?”

“Of course,” Stefan said and reached out his arms to her. They hugged for longer than Stefan would have expected, Kitty hugging hard as usual, leaning into him. He loved her hugs. He could feel that they were genuine and when he thought about it, f there was one word to describe Kitty, it would be that. “How did you become such a nice person?”

“I was made like that,” she smiled and pulled away from the hug. 

Stefan believed her.

 

Kitty stayed with him up until Colin arrived. She greeted Colin with a big hug but refrained from the usual kiss on the cheek. Stefan appreciated it, but knew that he would learn to be alright with it. It would just come at its own pace.

When Kitty had left, Colin sat next to him. They read together. Colin watched Stefan eat his dinner and Peter came to visit as well. He had brought a bit of homework, mostly as a courtesy, as he knew that Stefan wouldn’t study anyway. Peter seemed to have accepted it at that point, just has he had accepted Colin’s constant presence. In fact, Peter seemed to have grown quite fond of Colin. They would discuss literature and philosophy while Stefan sat there, bored out of his mind.

Still, he loved every second of it. In that cold, bare room, he had never felt more warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just uwuwuwuwuwu at all of this ;; and trust me its like 99.9% uwu from this point on. i told ya there would be a happy ending (i hate sad endings)
> 
> the last two chapters will be posted tomorrow


	24. twenty four

When Stefan was discharged the next morning, Colin was waiting right outside, smoking a cigarette by his car. Even just that sight made Stefan smile. That he could ever have doubted this was insane.

“You’re not wearing your glasses,” Stefan said when he approached Colin.

“I’m just trying it out,” Colin said. “Contact lenses.”

“That’s vain of you,” Stefan giggled and went closer, putting his arms around Colin’s neck. Colin put his hands on Stefan’s back and pushed him towards his body.

“Yeah, yeah,” he smiled and pulled Stefan in for a kiss.

“I like you more with glasses,” Stefan said as they got into the car.

“Really?”

“You look mean without them,” Stefan said. The reality was that without his glasses, Colin looked a type of otherworldly beauty that intimidated Stefan, made him feel the same way he did when they had just met. That first night at Colin’s house. Their first kiss. Those shivers he got as soon as Colin looked at him. When Stefan really looked back at it, it became obvious how much things changed once he stopped taking his anti-psychotics. None of it was Colin’s fault. 

Colin was no longer Pax.

“Really?” Colin said and looked in the rearview mirror, wiggling his eyebrows. “Mean?”

“Not mean, maybe,” Stefan said. “Just intimidating.”

“You like that, don’t you?”

“Kind of.”

Colin drove him home, dropped him off where his father was waiting, and promised he would swing by after work. Stefan was disappointed, but knew that Colin had to work, as his finished code had to be handed in to mr. Thakur quite soon. 

Peter greeted Stefan at the door, hugging him harder than Stefan could ever remember him doing. He didn’t necessarily enjoy it, but he knew that he would feel entirely too bad about it if he didn’t hug him back, so he did. Peter made both of them lunch, Stefan now having grown accustomed to eating more, and had already gained a little bit of weight back. His bones weren’t so painfully obvious anymore and taking his pills again, he actually felt hungry from time to time.

When he was left alone in his room, Stefan had gone onto the internet and searched for Tuckersoft, to see if he could find anything about Colin’s top secret work. What he found was a teaser for Colin Ritman’s summer release. There was a picture of a man standing in a big green field, with a rip in the sky and two demons at his sides.

As if he had read his mind.

As if he had known all along.

Most of all Stefan felt honored to be considered the boyfriend of somebody like Colin Ritman. A successful programmer, handsome at that, going for a shy, skinny boy with mental health issues was something Stefan could never have imagined. What was a relief was knowing that it was real. He now knew that Colin didn’t only want him for sex, he wasn’t trying to use him.

That is the moment Stefan let himself think it. Maybe he loved Colin. That warmth and that comfort of his presence was not something he could disregard any longer. He loved Colin. 

He smiled, looking at the pictures from Tuckersoft’s website of Colin sitting at his work desk, shaking hands with mr. Thakur, showing off his game design. Stefan had been so incredibly lucky. Despite all of the things that had happened to him, he had learned something from it. Most of all that he could not will away his mental health issues. He had a serious mental illness and if he didn’t take that into account, he would not make it.

With the right support, and first and foremost the will to dare to to reach out for it, he could make it through this.

 

Colin swung by the house just after Stefan and his father had finished eating dinner. Peter offered Colin to join them, but he declined. Stefan was happy that he did so. It felt like it had been an eternity ago since he had been alone with Colin, and he couldn’t wait for them to be by themselves. He had so much to say.

It all vanished once Colin lead him inside the house. His mind was blank, just full of peace. Colin had in Stefan’s absence put things up on the walls. Paintings and graphs, drawings and pictures. One was of Colin and Kitty, looking like it had been taken a while ago. Stefan touched it with his fingertips, searching deeply within himself, but he couldn’t find any jealousy. He still hadn’t completely forgiven either of them for not telling him the truth straight away, but it was a healing wound.

Above Colin’s sofa hung another painting. Stefan recognized it from somewhere, but couldn’t pinpoint where.

“What’s this?”

“Thought you’d ask,” Colin said, coming up behind Stefan and kissing his cheek. “It’s Degas.”

“Oh, the one who painted ballerinas?” Stefan said.

“Yep,” Colin said. “It’s not genuine, or else I think I’d be broke now.”

Stefan looked at it. The dancer looked so beautiful, bending her body and letting the sun shine on her skin. She looked so artless and pure, and Stefan felt himself getting pulled into it without having smoked anything. “I like it.”

“It reminds me of you. Look at her facial expression.”

Stefan didn’t do as he was told. He turned around, looked at Colin, and kissed him with no restrains. Artless and pure. Simply doing what came naturally, not thinking too much, not letting himself be controlled by anything but his own gentle desires. When he pulled away, Colin was smiling.

“You’re the cutest thing,” he said.

 

They had gone out to the backyard for a cigarette. The sun still hadn’t set, and the backyard bathed in golden light. Stefan felt a pull to the grass, wanting to feel it against his skin, wanting so desperately to feel grounded, one with the earth. The weather was nice and warm enough now, nearing fifteen degrees, so he took off his jacket and laid down. Colin joined not long after. He took off his shirt, let the rays of warm sunlight dance on his chest. Now that he wasn’t wearing his glasses, Stefan could see his blue eyes so clearly in the light, and they looked otherworldly. After a moment of looking up into the sky, he took out his pack of cigarettes and lit one. 

He took a puff before giving it to Stefan.

“It feels like forever since it was summer,” Stefan said and took a puff.

“Well, summer lasts for about three minutes anyway. We have to enjoy it while we can.”

“Do you have to work during the summer too?” Stefan asked and gave back the cigarette.

Colin looked over at him, and Stefan couldn’t help his eyes wandering down his exposed chest, down to his stomach and the happy trail. Just a day out of Saint Juniper’s and he was already feeling back to normal when it came to that department.

“I could take some time off,” Colin said while breathing out smoke. “What were you thinking?”

“I just want to get away from here for a while,” Stefan said. 

“Of course, love,” Colin said. He leaned over Stefan, who thought he would go crazy as soon as he felt Colin’s breath against his lips and his scent when he came closer. Stefan was filled, not with a sexual kind of desire, but something else. He wanted to be close to Colin. He wanted to keep Colin.

“Your eyes are so pretty,” Stefan said and caressed the back of Colin’s head as they looked into each other’s eyes. Colin sighed, some weird gentle energy having come over him. He was breathing heavily as he put a hand on Stefan’s head, and Stefan just had to say it at that moment. He knew that whatever response he got, it would all be okay. “I think I love you.”

Colin sighed again. It wasn’t one filled with irritation. It was filled with that gentle energy, and Stefan just knew. 

“Where have you been?” Colin said before he kissed him. Stefan kissed back, enjoying every second of this pure and gentle moment. Colin was the one to pull away, but still kept that hand on Stefan’s head. “I love you too.”

 

Stefan took his pills with water the next morning. Colin had made sure that he had a small stock of Stefan’s medication at his place, and watched as Stefan took them. It annoyed him a little, but he knew that he couldn’t say anything against it. It was obvious that he wouldn’t be letting Stefan take control of his pills from then on.

Colin had let the contact lenses be and gone back to his glasses. Stefan was relieved, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to keep himself off Colin otherwise. 

They had sex. This time was different from every time before. He noticed Colin looking at him in a way that he had never seen. Of course, he tried to be gentle at first, but Stefan’s hair was just begging to be pulled. It ended up with Stefan being bent over the desk, his back as arched as it could be as Colin held his head up by the hair. When they had both came, Colin carried Stefan bridal style back to the bed. Stefan had protested, feeling very embarrassed about the whole situation, but Colin refused to listen. Stefan was glad that Colin didn’t listen to that.

 

Graduation day came and passed. Colin had gone to see Kitty graduate, but Stefan had stayed home as he didn’t think he could handle facing his peers nor his teachers. It just reminded him of what a failure he had become. 

He shared these feelings with Colin, who shushed him, held him close, and told him that he wasn’t a failure. He told him that out of all the people in that class, he was the one who had to overcome the most, and his peers could never even imagine having to climb a mountain that tall. It calmed him down to hear Colin say these things. Everything about Colin calmed him down now. He couldn’t imagine a time when being around Colin gave him anxiety.

The day after graduation, Kitty came to Colin’s house. When she went inside, she completely disregarded Colin, and went straight to Stefan. She hugged him like she had never hugged him before - which truly said something - and pulled away from the hug only when Colin reminded her that Stefan was actually his boyfriend.

All three of them went out to the backyard. The weather had miraculously been great for the past few days, so they all sat on the sunny porch, just enjoying it for the short time that it would last. 

“Sam asked about you,” Kitty said to Stefan. “He said that he met you two at the shopping centre a month ago or so, and he hasn’t seen you since.”

“Oh, right,” Stefan laughed. “What did he ask about?”

“He asked where you had gone.”

“Why does he care?” Stefan said, feeling annoyed that Sam would even ask such a thing when it really wasn’t any of his business. He had discarded Stefan like he was nothing and his opportunity to ask about him had passed.

“You were friends for a really long time,” she said. “Of course he cares.”

“He shouldn’t.”

“Come on,” Colin said, leaned back in a lawn chair, his legs spread out as he smoked a cigarette. “Of course he should. It would be stranger if he didn’t.”

Stefan only hummed, feeling like he was speaking with parents who were trying to lecture him. Kitty and Colin shared a look before they both started laughing. Stefan guessed that they also noticed the dynamic.

“What are you guys doing this summer?” Kitty asked and grabbed a cigarette from Colin.

“Getting out of here,” Stefan said, playing with his fingers. “You?”

“Except for working I’ve got our summer house to myself,” she said. “You two should come.”

“I’d like that,” Stefan said. Colin gestured for him to move closer, so Stefan moved so he was sitting between Colin’s legs, his head leaning against Colin’s thigh. 

When Kitty left, the sun was setting. A few stars were peaking out and Stefan greeted them with a smile. He remembered that night when he and Colin had taken MDMA and just looked at the stars for hours. He remembered the way they had kissed once they had come inside, that explosion of feelings everywhere within him, the way he could barely hold himself steady. It felt so long ago at this point, and yet so close. Stefan still felt those intense butterflies everytime Colin touched him.

He remembered the way Colin had absorbed all the stars within him. Stefan still found those stars from time to time. When he was looking at Stefan with that special look. When he was cooking. When he smiled.

He especially saw the stars when he woke up, early in the morning, to find Colin still sleeping next to him. His whole body was full of them, like a whole galaxy trapped in one person. Stefan wanted deeply to go inside of it.

Colin opened his eyes and saw Stefan looking at him. A smile spread across his face and extended down to his whole body like wildfire, and the stars had never twinkled so intensely. Stefan felt them spread out of Colin, and into himself. Colin pulled him into himself, their lips meeting, but it was much more than that. 

He wanted to stay in this galaxy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall are amazing. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me thru this journey. Yall are either insane or wonderful


	25. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! I got a comment that i want to address!! It was about the fact that this relationship ive been writing about is not healthy. And that is true. I dont know how young you readers are but please dont think of this as 'normal'. I didnt even consider the fact that people might assume this is a normal relationship so i am very sorry. Even now in the 'happy ending', you can see that stefan is obsessed with colin and sees him as some sort of god. That is NOT healthy. I just write what comes to mind and this wasnt intended to become as long as it did (it was intended to just be smut lmao) and if i had known how long itd turn out id have thought it through better. i apologise to anybody who felt negatively affected by this and here ya go, epilogue<3

Music was blasting from the speakers. It was some American music that had come out just a month before. It felt extremely out of character for Colin, but he seemed to enjoy it, bobbing his head to the rhythm and shouting along with the lyrics. As did Stefan, smoking a cigarette with all the windows down as they cruised down the southern coast of England. His hair was blowing in the wind and caressing him everywhere, making his open shirt flutter and his heart as well. When they reached to chorus, Stefan put his hands up.

It felt so wonderful. So natural. There was nothing on his mind except the feeling of the wind and the energy he felt to his right. There was a whole galaxy right next to him, and it was all his to explore.

He put his head out the window, took a puff of his cigarette and smiled. 

“We’re getting close,” Colin said as they neared a small town. 

“I hope she’s got food, I’m starving,” Stefan said and leaned back in his seat. 

“I’m sure she does, love.”

A ten minute drive later and they were pulling up to a great, white house with a straight black roof, an overgrown garden up front and a just as overgrown yard out back. It was overlooking the beach and the beautiful ocean, and Stefan could barely believe that this was it. The front door opened as soon as they pulled into the driveway, and they saw Kitty coming out, her freshly dyed pink hair standing out against the natural colouring of the scene. Less like a sore thumb and more like an oasis in a beautiful desert. 

“My boys!” she said and ran up to them as they got out of the car. She hugged them both at the same time, holding Stefan in a sort of choke hold, but he didn’t mind. He had learned to handle her acting like an excited puppy whenever she saw him.

She took them into the house. She had food ready on the table and Stefan could almost kiss her at that moment, hearing his stomach rumbling and being desperate to eat. Even such a simple pleasure was something he had learned to enjoy so much. The feeling of hunger. The feeling of cold air on his skin. The feeling of being loved.

Because he knew Colin loved him. He didn’t say it very often, but when he did it was with such intent that it felt like he was proposing to Stefan. The times that he didn’t do it, he would show it in the tiniest ways. A kiss on the forehead, a protective hand on his shoulder, a bite of his food. Stefan slowly but surely learned to read Colin. What had once felt impossible was now doable if he just paid a little attention.

The thing was that he didn’t pay Colin just a little attention. Even if he wasn’t Stefan’s whole world, he was such a bright, shining presence that he couldn’t help himself thinking about Colin all the time. 

While walking on the beach at sunset, he looked at Colin. Colin was staring at what looked to be beyond the horizon, as if he could see into the infinite universe, understand its depth. Stefan felt the same way whenever he looked at Colin. Trying to grasp onto something abstract, that wondrous grounded mind of Colin. 

Kitty and Colin had been smoking a joint earlier that evening, sharing it while sitting on the balcony, and Stefan had refused to let them have it to themselves. To the protest of Colin, he had taken a few puffs and now felt like he was flying across the beach. His guide through it was Colin, and he would follow him everywhere he went.

Colin noticed Stefan staring at him and turned around. 

“How do you feel?” Colin asked.

“I feel… Alive.”

Colin laughed and shook his head. “Alive, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Colin approached Stefan, reaching a hand out. Colin’s whole body was tingling, shining with all the stars he contained, and Stefan wanted to be a part of it. He looked at the stars in Colin’s eyes, coming closer, and took his hand. The stars spread through his hand, up his arm. It tingled so wonderfully, like butterflies in his stomach but all over his body. It spread to his face, into every little crevice of his brain, down his throat and to his lungs. They coated every part of his insides and extended out into the air when he exhaled.

“I’ll take care of you,” Colin said.

“I know.”

They stayed on the beach until it became too cold, hugging each other, looking out over the water. When they came back inside, Stefan was sure there was a quasar in the bedroom. Nothing could possibly shine as bright as Colin. 

They laid down on the bed next to each other, still holding hands. Stefan felt the effects of the weed slowly wearing off, the tingling no longer as intense as before. Now all that was left was a deep sense of safety. It was better than anything. It was warm and calm and Stefan never wanted to leave it. Colin turned to look at Stefan, and Stefan looked back.

“I’m so happy I met you,” Stefan said. Colin hummed and squeezed his hand. 

“There was no other way,” Colin said. “It was already determined.”

“Always so cryptic,” Stefan said. He wished that Colin instead would have told him that he was happy too, that he had loved every second with Stefan, that he loved him. 

“Hey,” Colin began, puting his other hand on Stefan’s cheek. 

As if he could read Stefan’s mind, he was about to speak. But for some reason, Stefan knew exactly what Colin was going to say.

He smiled, and Colin knew that it wasn’t necessary to say anything anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some final thoughts:
> 
> During the two weeks that i wrote this, i managed to break up with my boyfriend, get kicked out of my mums house and have a huge fight with my little brother. Its not been easy but this fanfic??? Such a help! Such a distraction! And all your comments?? Magnificent! You're angels!!-


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